The Comfort Will Come

I have been asking for and accepting help these days. Not typical for me. And I noticed, as I reflected back last night or this morning, how many resources I have surrounded myself with, and how much self-reflection and mental, physical, AND emotional exercise I have been doing. Some days it simply feels like I have packed a lot in. I notice how I put my “head to the grindstone” so-to-speak and ‘just do it’…because I am not yet doing it intuitively…

For example, I am going to Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Familiies step study on Sunday nights, Group Therapy on Tuesday nights, Argentinian Tango on Wednesday nights, Alanon on Thursday nights, and Alanon on Saturday mornings. And besides THAT I have gotten an initial yoga instructors’ certification and will start teaching my own classes soon, been learning spanish, finally asked someone to be my sponsor in alanon and have been talking to her almost every day, reading up on the practice and physiological functions of meditation in a book by a Buddhist monk with a great sense of humor, doing personal guided meditations using podcasts I have handpicked that feel good to me, reading a book by a woman with spiritual/buddhist/psychology training who discusses the theory and provides examples of the practice of self-reflection, mindfulness, meditation… I have reflected on this repertoire maybe TWICE in the past few months… and last night when I did I realized that I have kind of like a cushion…I have created a supportive timetable and day-to-day schedule for myself… I have created a kind world to exist in… I really deserve to reflect on that, and soak up the reality of how big of a cushion I have created for myself as I crash and burn with codependent obsession on some days, sit paralyzed with a fear of failure, regret, and self-loathing… I have a lot to look to…And it is a cushion, and soft, caring, attentive, embracing microcosm…

My higher power is something that I hope now to allow myself to get closer to. I think I struggle more with my concept of a higher power than I think. On my way to step study tonight, though, I put on a Renewal Meditation by Meditation Oasis

This podcast mediation was an exercise in paying attention to the body, the energy in the body, the changing of the body as the moments pass. An approach that falls in line with my idea of the higher power that takes care of me. That process of energy use and production, and the transformation of our ‘selves’ as these processes go about their business, AND their connection to our mind and how we FEEL! 🙂 This meditation lent me some calm and comfort on the way to step study, at a time when I am usually having mixed feelings – the feeling of happiness to have that occasion and those people to grow with, and the dread of delving even deeper into my past and my self than I have ever before. The comfort lies in the thought that change is a fact of life. We are changing at every level at every moment, regardless of whether we are trying. And the nature of the world is to change to heal itself, to correct mistakes and heal wounds. Our bodies, in interaction with our surroundings, are in a constant process of renewal, even as we age… Every 7 years we have a completely new physiological make-up. Imagine the good with can do with that…. 7 years passes incredibly fast in my experience… If you want to change anything about you or your physical or emotional self, it will happen quickly, if you feed and nurture your body, your thoughts, your experience with the different things, the changes you want to be or see in your life…

I like that idea.

When I got to step study…I was feeling still down on myself from earlier…I think because I was tired from little sleep last night, and from the fact that there are certain things I am not accomplishing and I feel so inadequate in front of other people, even if they do not know…

Luckily the focus shifted to personal step ‘things’ of course, and we got to a question in the book about whether I thought that I had had a strength or power to survive sad or dangerous events in my childhood… or was is just, like, luck… That question about personal resource or resilience reminded me of the epiphany I had for myself probably a few months ago now about how the scary memories I have as a young child and even infant, have stayed with me. And I think they have stayed to help me understand that I knew right from wrong in my heart, in my gut, in my body, when someone what not treating me well or taking care of me. I recognized the disparity. I knew what was good for me and bad. That is the whole purpose of fear and trauma and terrible memories… They don’t first and foremost remind us that we are victims and how we can be hurt and will be…First and foremost they remind us, us adults who are now so far away from those events and are often overwhelmed and even numbed and blinded somewhat by anxiety or anger, that we were sad because we KNEW what would make us happy, we were scared because we KNEW what would make us feel safe, we were angry or frustrated or felt helpless because we KNEW what it took for us to experience the opposite of those things, we just did not have the power or ability to get it from the people who hurt us or those who were supposed to provide it.  I think my peace and happiness are buried down deep inside, partly because I buried them to keep them safe and inaccessible to others out of abusive experience, but partly because I was so overwhelmed with scary or confusing experiences that I was too young and inexperienced and innocent to stave them off as they came. My knowledge of myself, my emotional instinct is lying under a landslide of others’ mess…and some of my own. Over the years it all just kept piling up, while I kept on being overwhelmed… It’s like not sweeping the corners or under the rug for years because no one kindly and attentively showed me how to do it and with what implement(s)? Now I am in search of both, and will find the pristine buried under the dirt of all of these years.

I am fine underneath. I am climbing out now from under the pile of events and effects that I thought defined me…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 5, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. You are a strong, powerful, wonderful woman! Taking your life back one day at a time.

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