Are You Making a Mockery…?!

When I was a kid and I got in trouble for something – for speaking my mind about something my mother was doing that was bad, or for not doing what I was ‘supposed’ to do, my mom reacted in a condescending way but also in a way that chastised me for not along with things as she wanted them to appear. She looked at me with frustration holding on to something tightly and I looked back with derision…

As my mind wandered this morning tingle I have felt when G did not do things in line with our supposed plan to be together indefinitely I was hurt but on the surface I think maybe it came out as disapproval…because I was working so hard for something and I felt humiliated when he did things that demonstrated that he was not working for the same thing. His ex, his kids, his friends…watching him do things that did Not demonstrate that he was committed to me in some full and definite sense in HIS mind.
How mocked I felt…as his actions did not match his words on so many occasions…on too many occasions for me to be able to take for granted that we were the major relationship in his life. I felt like he knew it and was doing it anyway…

Was I lying to myself as expertly as my mom was to her self? Did we all know it and were just keeping the ruse going?

How it hurts me to not be true to the reality of my life, my outlook, my feelings, my needs, my understandings, my perceptions. I have created something out of things that did not ask to be redefined that way…leaving myself open to this…

What a mockery…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 5, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. It’s the “ambitions” portion of the 4th step inventory. I can totally relate!

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