Shedding Burden, But I Am Still There…

Sometimes, when I read about other people’s journeys back to themselves I can ‘see’ what I hope for for myself. Sometimes it is the only time I can see it. I think because when I read about other people’s pain, and wish peace for them. Like I know what I’m even talking about… HA…

Well, little pieces reveal themselves to me. This morning I was imagining interacting with someone or with people in some particular context and felt an angst as my thoughts went from being there and enjoying…to being there and ‘having to’ do something to make it enjoyable, or ‘so that’ people would like me or enjoy being around me, or so that I would be a valuable element of the moment or event. Thinking about ‘doing’ something to ‘make it’ something gave me angst. I noticed that thing…that belief that I have, that my simple existence is not enough. That me simply being there is not enough. This knee-jerk reaction I have to ‘hurry up and do something’ to balance out my presence…as though my presence is a weighty presence, a presence that ‘takes away’ from something or someone, inevitably. Like, you know, the scenes in the ‘tomb-treasure’ movies where the protagonist needs to take the treasure from the spot that is booby-trapped for weight and he has to swiftly and skillfully lay a bag of sand of the same weight on the spot at the exact instant that he removes the treasure…or the whole place with come down…

My presence takes up time and space that upsets a balance, and I must compensate with a bag of sand, or something much better, actually, so that no one notices the ‘cost’ of me being there…

When I imagine just ‘being’ somewhere, I only imagine just ‘being’ for a moment or two. Then the feeling comes, I ask myself the question – what will I do NOW? Panic, hurry…what will I ‘show’ them to distract them from me? From the energy it takes from them for me to be there… How will I validate my presence…how will I compensate for unbalance…?

It is a heavy burden – I even carry MYSELF around like I am extra weight… How to shed the burden and still be left with me? What is wonderful about me?



About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 3, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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