This Is Another Day – Like Every Day, And Like No Other
I went to the 9:15 Alanon meeting this morning. After I had listened to an Alanon speaker on youtube.
How fortunate am I to have these resources.
In the past week, two things have been said to me by another person that were like passwords to my secret vault – so secret that I wasn’t even aware it was there.
It’s a vault of love. I think specifically of self-love.
1) “You did it out of love” or “Doing that was showing your loved him” or “That was a very loving thing to do.” On Monday Feb.7 – I think that was the day I told G to drop the car and go to his place. Twice in a couple of weeks (who knows if I missed an occasion or three) I had watched him show up driving with his kids in my car when he had been drinking. And the weekend previous to the day he went to take the dog for a walk but had found a bar that ‘took dogs’ so he disappeared for an hour and a half and drank… While he son turned to me asking “Where’s dad? It’s been over an hour…” The Monday I said we needed to talk, and his mind wheels started turning with panic and fear when he went to work. He called a couple of times, once to tell me how I needed to think about things before we talked. He was litterally telling me “how to think” so that things would go his way. I realized that wherever he was on that early monday afternoon that he was drinking… At work…or had he lied and gone somewhere else with my car… Anyway… I told him to drop the car and go home… I was getting to the end of my rope (who knows why after all of the time and events that had been equally if not more horrendous years previous…). I was not prepared to be another person in his kids lives (besides their mother) who watched their safety and sanity be compromised and did nothing. I was not prepared to be responsible for G’s mistakes. I was not prepared to be angry about stupid things that I can not control. I was not prepared to be scared things were going to happen…things that I facilitated by letting him drive my car knowing he was going to drink. I loved him and was sharing my car with him to share something with him. So that he would have a car for work and so that we could both save money. I want(ed) him in my life as much as possible… The point is that, I believed everything he thought and said… That I was a bitch for trying to control him driving my car. That I just wanted to tell him what to do. That I don’t love him for who he is. That it is not my place to say or do something to protect his kids. That I was criticizing him. That I was hateful….That I was doing it (for all the wrong reasons). It takes months for the feelings that have been welling up in me in response to his cruelty to settle so that I could believe that: cutting him off from using my car if he is going to drink is a loving and caring thing to do. Loving and caring for myself, for his kids, and for him too!! If he can’t make the choice to not drink and drive my car, to not drink and drive his kids…I can make it. He can drink and drive his kids in someone else’s car… God forbid. My sponsor reminded me… It is a loving thing for me to do. That just shifted my whole insides.
2) Today, after the alanon meeting, someone stopped me and asked about my situation, about leaving my ex. When I said a thing or two about our status (haven’t contacted him really in almost 3 months…longest ever I think), she asked me “do you still love him?” After I said I have been struggling with that question. Confused as to if what I have felt is love…or just codependent need The girl said, “It’s ok to love him still”. The tears just appeared. It was like an Indiana Jones movie where someone stood in the right spot or shifted the right stone on the wall and the door miraculously and matter-of-factly opened… Allowing me to feel. Like that is the right answer. I am right to love him.
I feel love I think, when I long for how his skin feels on his head, his back, his hands…Our skin feels magically matched in touch. I know the heat of his body, his smell. The weight of his legs or his head on my lap. The hair on his toes. The way our bodies fit like puzzle pieces. The feeling of cleaning together… and especially cooking together like a well-oiled machine, like we are two entities revolving around each other at a comfortable distance with a natural gravitational force. Anyway, I did say to the girl, “I am confused as to whether still I love him. I think I do. Because I feel all of the wonderful things that I long for. But I am also ashamed of the the way I just love him, without even trying.” How can my self feel so connected to him, so affectionate towards a man who triggers such anger…such devastation…such utter, bottom-dwelling sadness? And a man who thinks that it is ok to make someone he supposedly loves feel that way? Is love ok no matter what?
I think that I have been being comforted by those who want to me to love myself. Even love myself when I am loving someone who doesn’t love THEMselves… It is not my failure to love them.