Gradual, Gentle, Kind, Patient…


Alanon started out as a bit of a chore tonight. I had the best of intentions earlier today, and have been looking forward to my meeting since the last one… But I felt tired today. Felt like I just needed to sleep after hashing through feelings from last weekend, hashing through feelings I have had about discovering a lump earlier this week. And as I am writing this, I realized…I have had a sponsor for 2 whole weeks!! (How absolutely blessed am I!?!) and therefore I have been shifted into a new gear for 2 weeks!! I have been shifted into a higher, deeper, more exploratory, more loving, more self affirming, more personally responsible gear for 2 weeks!! Of course I am really tired! Exhausted…

Easter weekend was an emotional minefield and it took every ounce of self-love and guidance from my higher power (whether I was listening closely or not…) and others to not contact my ex in any way. Then Monday or Tuesday when I discovered the lump it took so much out of me to try and PUT OFF feeling something about that because I was tired and overwhelmed from the weekend…Then discovering more pain yesterday and actually going to the doctor about the lump today took so much out of me… I let myself cry in the Dr’s office when she said that it does not have the characteristics of a malignant tumor… Release…That was totally HUMAN of me… Woh! And totally new… Just a roller-coaster… This morning when I woke up and was still lying in bed I was thinking like a crazy person! Who would take care of my cat while I’m in the hospital?! Will I be able to finish my thesis?! All of my friends and family are so far away! I isolated myself to G. Should I call him? Will I want to spend time with him before I die!! I absolutely went on an emotional rampage without just sitting and listening to my own feelings. Giving MYSELF the undivided attention…comforting myself instead of thinking about a bunch of stupid circumstances and incidentals. I just went into “I am doomed and all alone…!!!” mode.

What a day — I even worked on my chapter when I left the Dr’s office. I am a nutbar… Fun? TV show. Not exactly a change of gears…

I would be disappointed in myself right now, but I went to a meeting and allowed myself to participate. Felt others’ shares, cared for them as they shared… And made sure i got mine in…even though it was the last minute. I didn’t let myself think ‘aaah, you don’t need to share, Shantelle’, there isn’t enough time anyway… Naah. I didn’t cop out like that. I dug deep for courage and left my little ‘footprint in the sand you might say’… I am only human. My hope was just to be human. And what did my higher power do but deliver me a new lovely gift of a human being in my life to learn from.

A girl shared how what I had said had resonated for her…and the things she shared and her ease with talking with me absolutely helped my feet to slowly fall back to the ground. You know, like Mary Poppins and her umbrella? But in a completely different context (hahahaha!). But seriously though…

The big sad issues are not the centre of things. My recovery is the center of things…  Like my sponsor, like my yoga guru connect me to life, energy, by virtue being what they want to be in their own life. If I give myself to the possibility of what I want to be in my own life…’poof!’ It’s like a door opens where you thought there was only a wall. People are so scary to me usually…I am realizing more and more. But I have places and moments in my life where people show me how I am safe and a strong presence here. They breathe life back into this emaciated spirit. They encourage me with there own self care and impart the how of how it will just take me time to feel life, discover it, mingle with it…get comfortable with that idea. Easy does it.

Not only is it necessary to be aware of who and what you have around you that/who will breathe life back into you (me) – it’s like borrowing others’ oxygen in a deep water dive until you ascend high enough to get your own – but also to believe in the fact that (I) am receiving such gifts because I am no less necessary than they are. No less able to breathe and live… Even when I am not feeling those things, I might want to believe in the Gradual, the Gentle, the Kind, the Patient…

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on April 25, 2014, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Thank you for sharing this and my thoughts are with you.

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