The Worst: When You’re (Feeling) Crappy And You Know It
Wake up this morning out of a dream where I was talking to G (ex) on the phone… TAlkjng with him about picking up money from him that he owed me somehow. His voice sounded squeaky… I felt sad in my stomach and in my throat…the feeling like when you’re going to sob. But I was composed. When I asked if he was home, so that I could go grab the money he said something like “home is where you heal”. I was confused… He would say that usually if he meant I was his home and he was not with me, but it took me a moment to think that… Because I just couldn’t/can’t trust anything he says anymore. In the dream and waking up from the dream I am so angry with him, but masking it. I am just quieter than ‘angry’ would sound… As I awoke from the dream I wanted to ask him, “where are you then?” But it was too late… I realized, I am home and I don’t feel healed… I don’t know how much I am healing. Is he somewhere else that he considers home? Or. Is he just not healing…? Does he wish he was with me? Or is he in his own hurt now?
And then I feel frustrated because I am thinking with such curiosity about HIM and how he must be feeling…not thinking about me, and how I am feeling. When I realize that, I try to pay attention to how I am feeling…I am just a big lump of feeling bad. And it’s like I don’t want me or anyone else to know how bad I feel. Because I want them to feel helpless to make me feel better. I want them to feel what’s that like and to PROVE they care how I feel in some ‘super’ way…show they are worthy of my happiness…Even I have to show that. I am playing cruel games even with myself… “I won’t be happy until you show you care! HA”
All of this before I am even 100% awake…
And the bad feelings that come with thinking about G and however I let that go so bad…reminded me of when I was about 15 or 16 and I babysat for my mother’s friends who had an infant. I had told this guy I knew, this ‘bad kid’ that I was kind of preoccupied with, where I was babysitting. He came to the house with two friends and they took wine and started to smoke, make themselves at home… They laughed at me and wouldn’t leave. I was panicked, terrified… So terrified at how helpless I was. So shitty because of telling where I would be. I felt like my whole chest could be simply dislocated from my body I felt so scared and stupid and shitty…
And then the people came home.
It was so traumatic that I barely remember everything that happened. I just remember not being able to breathe, wanting to be invisible and on the drive home I was afraid the father was going to hit me… And then hating my mother for being angry because of how I ‘made her look’ to those people. I knew what I had done. And I wanted to die. But ALL of it was not my fault. That bad kid ‘friend’ of mine showed up, brought two crap friends, stole wine from the house…
I could have called the police but didn’t even think of doing something like that because I didn’t think someone would be that ‘bad’…screw me over that bad…I just wanted them to go. Wanted the event to be ‘undone’.
I was so confused about trusting people and what is your fault and what is theirs when you trust someone. And confused at why I trust people who can not be trusted… I have let others blame me for things that happened because I trusted someone. Yet I have put trust in people that can not be trusted… I have learned to blame myself for the things that happen when I trust someone, but always set myself up for it…
I ‘lent’ a stranger money once and got ‘taken’. It was so devastating and humiliating. And the people I told…the first thing that came from them was ‘why did you do that??!’
Why did I? Why was I that ‘stupid’? Self-preservation…I don’t think I have that when it comes to other people asking me for things they need. When it comes to getting a message that I can be the answer to someone’s problem(s).
At this moment, it’s like my stomach is split in two. I don’t want to reject…I felt some ‘duty’ to give of myself so that I would not seem too ‘superior’, or so that I would ‘win the graces’ if someone…and in the process I am self-destructive and stupid.
The value of my own graces was lost somewhere…about 40 years ago. I think I am searching my memories for where I left it.
And resigned to feel crappy until it turns up.
Why did I take such risks? Why did I make such decisions? Why did I give G so many chances? Even still, in my dreams…!
Waiting for someone to see that it is not my hope that is bad… it is not my trust that is bad… Waiting to feel that for myself.
I learned to trust wrong. Now I have to learn it all over… So that I can love myself again.
Posted on April 23, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.