Everyone’s Got It
Loneliness, Connection to the Universe or Higher Power
AA meeting tonight:
The speaker got to talking about the discoveries she has made about herself. Fear and loneliness… When she asked herself why she drank…she said she discovered fear and loneliness. Fear of being alone… The way she talked about it, and the moment for me tonight…things were relevant to me, felt relevant. I think all I have ever felt since my childhood, probably infancy, is the feeling of being alone, and the fear of being alone ever again, all the time. And as she spoke, I felt it, even though she did not explain her circumstances in great, great detail, the way she talked about fear and loneliness…made it make sense. Make sense that everyone is experiencing loneliness or fear of loneliness. She made me feel as though I am not alone in the desperate fear of being alone. On this horrendous long holiday weekend…trying to avoid my addiction – my ex – and trying to figure out why I want to call him and see him and touch him and feel him and smell him…There is definitely something about him that fit with me. But there are so many things that traumatized me, repelled me, disappointed me, scared me, disgusted me, broke my heart… Asking myself why I can possibly long for him in any way or form… Fear of loneliness. I feel so excruciatingly lonely this weekend. And am flabbergasted at the fact that he has not called or written in a while… And broken, literally in my body and heart at the thought of being without him…but broken at the thought of calling him…how nauseous it would make me to even press the numbers on my phone… I have never felt so torn and confused and insane. All because of my experience with being alone… And all because of the alternatives I was presented with when I was young, to being alone. None of them were really healthy loving alternatives… And my mother demonstrated my behavior…I learned it there too. Jumping on the first wagon that came along each time, because it was better to have someone there than to be ‘alone’. Always someone that just never cut it.
Alone was never good for me when I was young. I was always escaping something, or left on my own without care, or fleeing for safety…or abandoned. Now, time to learn that alone can be good. Alone does not have to be lonely. And even if it is, I am lonely because I am human. And because I suffered in ways that make loneliness excruciating for me. I am blind with fear sometimes, oftentimes…at being alone.
I wish this would make sense. That this journey would begin to make sense. Hard work. Hard work…