What Moments Do I Know


There are specific moments when I knew I had doubts about getting together with G. The night we first met, he was a little too…over-trying…Not only with me, just with everything and everyone. And when I was driving away with his cousin he was looking at me with eyes that were too seductive, but that made me uncomfortable… It was like he was looking at someon that he was imagining was there, but that person was not me.

And when we met the second time, he told me about his past (criminal, broken family details), but the thing that stood out to me was that he expressed some kind of pride in his criminal past, gloating (!) about the law under which he was arrested…

One night he called at 1:30 or 2:30 in the morning to question me on my intentions. He was drinking with his brother (with whom he has a tumultuous relationship) and his brother was telling him a bunch of stereotypical things about me…etc.etc.and he was calling to aks me if any of them were true. I was offended and annoyed, but empathized with G because he sounded vulnerable and hopeful that I was not like his brother suggested. Bottom line: I did not appreciate the phone call at that time, nor did I appreciate the stupid emotional processes he did not seem to have any control over. I felt like I was getting into something that was going to screw me without actually having done anything…

Another night I wanted to go out with him to see a band from my home town, but he had his 8 year old son. He did not tell me all of the details but just ended up saying that he was going to drop his son at his ex’s parents and come out. I was kind of disgusted with the idea that he would do that with his son. He was 40… A grown man. But I also thought, there are probably things I do not know that make this better than I think… We went out…His ex started calling him non-stop, and when he dropped me at home and left he got stopped by the cops. He was worried about something about that but I didn’t know exactly what…and he said something about it being a divine punishment…Making time spent with me seem like a sin.

One weekend he just didn’t come back to my place…soon after he had moved in with me. No call, no nothing….I can’t remember if it was saturday or sunday that he called…but he came back, drunk…saying how he had spent the weekend with his kids and his ex…and had told them all about me… I was absolutely destroyed, livid, but had not cooth… did not tell him to take a hike. It was like I had struck a deal with the devil and could not back out at any cost because the damage would of backing out wiould outweigh the scrupulous reasons I had for removing myself. It was insane. I was insane already. This was only maybe 8 months into the relationship and all of these things had happened…

I can feel the feeling now…it is like I had a fishhook caught in my heart, and ripping it out, I believed would cause more pain than just swimming in a direction that wouldn’t cause it to tear… That is the best analogy I can think of for this. That is the pain That is the feeling of being trapped. That is the way to think about it and explain the damage that has been done to my insides all these years, all the years I have swam around, with this big jagged hook in my chest, trying to swim in ways that I would avoid the destructive tugs and tears. Little did I know that swimming around passively was not going to save me from the destruction. there was no way to know what was going on with that rod above the surface. I do not have control over someone else’s decisions on what to do with their line…when they are going to do a 180 and motor off in another direction. That is why I am so ripped up right now. A huge hole in myself…because I did not attentively and carefully remove the hook and get out of that fishing ground. I thought I was supposed to pacify… What makes someone swim around on someone else’s hook, even when they’re so volatile and unpredictable. What did I get out of being a passive aggressive fish on his line? Was it just that I wanted to be caught? It didn’t matter by whom…? Yep. I think so.

 

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on April 20, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. We are empathic humans. See Kim Saeed’s post concerning empaths. We feel their pain and we are sensitive to their plight. We have the need to advocate for them and attempt to fix the situation. You are a beautiful woman. You are unique and you are important. I hope you know that. Your heart shared is another survivor/potential survivor’s hope. You contribute to the survivor’s life by sharing your story. You shine like the noonday sun. You are the very definition of love and forgiveness.
    Hugs to you…….. ❤

  2. Big Hugs back. How is it that we learn to see OURSELVES as big, bright, and beautiful…Through our own eyes? I need that… So I can stop feeling so ashamed of missing an insensitive, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, often cruel addict… And so I can celebrate the freedom of being with just me…

  3. I love your analogy! I found myself on that hook very early on and swam with it until it jerked me out into a world where I couldn’t breathe. It was only through God’s Grace that I was released from my hook and returned to the water. Now, it’s all about learning to swim without getting hooked by other shiny lures.<3

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