I just encountered a picture of my ex bbq’ing today… It has been hard enough to try and get through each of these stupid Easter weekend days. I started to get back on track today…until I saw this damn picture, posted by his ‘twin’ alcoholic roommate. He is doing his typical holiday weekend BBQ thing, probably with a hoard of drinking buddies…

I looked at the picture…all of my gut feeling like the earth just lost gravity. Looking at his face to see how he is feeling. He has on the apron I left him. His big black ‘Cat’ baseball cap, and he hasn’t yet stopped growing his beard. I wish I knew what he was thinking when that picture was taken this aftn. I wish I knew why I long to be close to a man who is so widely destructive and angry…and has been so abusive and hurtful.

After a pause I remembered, I am better of sitting right here. I don’t want to be around those belligerent people, I don’t want to hear my ex bs’ing and mean-gossiping, I don’t want to watch his kids ‘make the best of things’.

I asked myself, why do I long to be near him? Is it because I have such low expectations for life? For my life? Is it because all of the wonderful things I dream about…I dream about constructing them out of massive destruction and massively destroyed partners? Maybe I think good doesn’t come out of good? Well, I do know that I have had low expectations… I do know that I never believed the good when I saw it. There always had to be something festering underneath…




If there is a chance-

the inkling of a chance,

the hint of an opportunity…

you must take it!


Make NO a foreign word,

unfamiliar to tour tongue

alien to your mind.


Why do we make defeat

our starting point?


We expect so little of ourselves!

Is it any wonder

so little

is what we get?



© Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on April 19, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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