No G to wake up to.
He was so happy to wake up beside me … Usually with his big smile and most tender “I love you”. But what abandonment-suffering addict would NOT be happy to wake up to a gentle forgiving soul every morning they could?!
He felt the best because I deserved that appreciation. For looking past so much.
But my mornings were each about wondering if, once we got up, the same shit as yesterday was going to go down. Am I setting myself up for failure AGAIN just to wait for that tender moment in the morning. Every morning soon became a lie. I knew it would all happen again. And those “carrot” moments were just carrots.
My mornings these days are going through the same regret…no carrots or anything…just beating myself up for all of the days and months and years where I lived on a prayer and not on my principles or self-care.
Now I do not have him here as proof that life sucks most days. Just a comforter that feels like it weighs 100’s of lbs. Like Hachi who waited at the train station for weeks for his owner to not arrive, I spend too long in bed waiting for the tender and loving good morning look in his eyes that made all of the ‘staying’ worth it, for a while.
No admiration cuddle and ‘I love you’ this morning’
But no lies or manipulation today that would need making up for…
Codependent emotion equation : if you don’t have any bad to put up with. You don’t get any good.
Today: another opportunity to learn to go get something good today even though I have not had to put with bad from anyone yesterday. Freedom takes practice…