Me Validating Me


About half way down this webpage you will find the 5 steps I am going to exercise here for myself 🙂
http://kathyberman.com/

1. Make a “you” section in your daily gratitude journal.

Thank you, wonderfulshantelle today for:
– turning on some spiritual guidance radio first thing this morning. It wa comforting
– trying not to be too hard on me for not jumping out of bed this morning and doing my exercise routine
– for taking the car for the repair
– for taking me out to mark papers somewhere besides home. A kind man spoke to me as I sat and marked and it gave me a warm feeling that there are kind people looking for kind people, all around.
– for trying to listen to what my body was telling me about its comfort and sensations.
– for buying me breakfast
– for walking me for almost 2 hrs 🙂
– for making me pasta with creamy cashew red pepper pesto sauce today (and yesterday), it is yum!!
– for paying some attention to me and not the mess on my bed or the mess in the sink or the mess in my office.
– for taking me to group therapy…
– for giving me time to lay on the couch when I get home
– for not contacting G today
– for looking for ways to get past the anger/sadness that is clamped on to my gut
– for doing shoulder exercises that help get rid of my neck pain
– for choosing to look at the good things about your efforts with G’s kids rather than only dwelling on the possibilities of bad aftermath
– for sending myself all of the little messages on my phone to remind myself that I love me and that I am loved, and to remind me that how I feel matters.

2. Before seeking external validation, ask yourself, “What do I hope that person tells me?” Then tell it to yourself.

I hope that
– the guys at the garage would tell me that the work they do on my car is no trouble and that they do not mind me asking questions and for them to show me what they are talkin about.
—a garage doing work on my car is no trouble to them. I can ask all the questions I want and can ask them to show Me what they are talking about if it will make me feel more comfortable

– G would tell me he is sorry for making me feel like the one who screwed things up and that I was only asking something reasonable when I asked him not to drive my car and drink.
— G is an angry alcoholic and cannot think about how he hurts my feelings because it is too painful for him to think about. He can only distract me from being hurt AND from his mistakes by telling me I am hurting or “trying to control him”… I was asking something pretty reasonable and angry for a good reason. I do not want to be around anyone who calls me names, even G, because he wants to distract me from his own inconsideration. I am not a bad person for getting angry when he tried to tell me what to think or how to think after I said we could “talk later”. Manipulation is upsetting for anyone.

– mom would tell me she understands how I would find it difficult to talk with her given the feelings I have shared with her and my experience of the past. She would say she understand how I can not answer the phone in the middle of the night or whenever she decides to call because of how I am trying to help myself right now. She knows I don’t not love her because I am keeping to myself. She knows I am doing what I feel is best for me right now.
— I am not unloving, insolent, or a bad daughter. I am a grown adult woman who is only now learning to create boundaries, learning to pay attention to what my limits are, and learning how to share those with others. I love my mother and empathize with her, but the most important thing for me is to love and empathize with myself. A mother who loves me will be proud of that and will want to learn about me as I learn about myself.

3. This morning I had a right to feel tired. I had a right to feel scared of my day, I had a right to feel overwhelmed. I had a right to doubt myself, I had a right to feel lonely, I had a right to feel entitled, I had a right to feel scared of face ing my fears? I had a right to feel worried about what others thought of me.

Get in the habit of telling yourself, “I have a right to feel how I feel.” This will help you understand your feelings and work through them much more easily, because you won’t be so deeply embedded in negativity about yourself.

4. See yourself as the parent to the child version of you.

Good morning WS! You are my sunshine :-). You are feeling tired and anxious? Try no to worry. I will make you a good breakfast and you will not have a long day today. And you are a hard worker so things will go well, you’ll see.
–.
When you’re looking for that warm, fuzzy feeling that emerges when someone you trust tells you, “Everything is going to be okay,” imagine yourself saying it to your younger self.

Picture that little kid who tried so hard, meant no harm, and just wanted to be loved and cherished. This will likely help in deflating your self-criticism and fill you a genuine sense of compassion for yourself.

5. Get in the habit of ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”

Ws needs:
– a lot of water
– help to get rid of the racing obsessive thoughts
– more sleep
– comfort that “I am doing the best I know how” and assurance that I will feel better…

Oftentimes when we’re feeling down on ourselves, we feel a (sometimes subconscious) desire to punish ourselves. When we reject or deprive ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves.

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on March 26, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Nice! “I have a right to feel how I feel.” Man that is a biggie.

    After reading the part about asking yourself what you hope to hear, I immediately thought of the rhetorical question of “OK, so how will you react if you hear something in contrast with these things?” I’m always looking for the concrete actions/coping skills to deploy…especially these days because, let’s face it, the dysfunctional people in our lives aren’t anything even close to being capable of understanding – let alone practicing – the type of support and communication we need in our lives. My answer has been to remove myself [literally and sometimes emotionally] from the scene. I’m getting better at this, since most of the dialogue goes on inside of my head. It still happens, but it’s better. For now, that’s enough!

    Keep going positive – you’re making great progress!

    • I think that that is exactly what I would do at this point, remove myself if I heard something that was the opposite of what I needed to hear. I started doing that quite consistently with my ex because this last break. After being away from him for a while I discovered an even more fun concept. I realized that I have forsight…I ignored it before, because it was too difficult to assert myself that wisely AND try and be loving and close to him at the same time (would have to saw myself in two…). Now that I have distance AND know that I have forsight, I can foresee situations where there will be the POSSIBILITY of him saying or doing something that will crumple me inside and avoid the whole situation altogether. For example last Friday I had his kids and they were supposed to go to his place after we had finished with our fun. But of course he didn’t answer for a long while after his daughter texted him and when he did he said “why don’t you guys come tomorrow morning”, which means he is drinking and odd give or take the time with them. Rather than force the issue (and rather than me get involved at all with the decision) I just let the kids decide and agreed that they should go in the morning because he wa definitely busy getting a buzz on with ‘buddies’. And I going to his place to drop them was the LAST thing I wanted to do, for me AND for the kids. Before I would have created a situation by taking them to his place anyway and forcing it and maybe even saying something to him about it. But I reigned it in and found pleasure in my time with the kids and peace in my evening without any exchange with him whatsoever. No opportunity at all for him or his words to anger my space or vicinity… Hm. Well, that was a long example!

      • Yes, long example but a powerful one. The perfectionist thought would be “why in the heck did I even put myself in this situation in the first place?” but of course that’s useless – or stinkin’ thinkin’ as my dad’s AA buddies would say. So you were there and yes that happened and I’ll be damned if you didn’t handle it like an expert! This is huge. Once I exercised those muscles a few times, it seems to get easier and I hope it will for you too.

        My first practice “subject” was my mother and while I don’t like interacting with her because of her unpredictability and my lack of trust, I keep those interactions under *my* conscious decision-making tree rather than give away all of the power. When I began to cut her toxicity off a few decades ago, it threw her into a tailspin. She didn’t know how to relate to me outside of her omnipotent power circuit and what was this business of me “opting out”? How could I have done that? How could I have refused to be her Teddy? (Patricia Evans reference) Well, whatever she thought of it, I had to reiterate my stance more than a few times and continue to have to draw those boundaries.

        I think my challenge has been accepting that everything that comes into my life has been drawn into my life – by ME. [uh, wtf??] Yeah. It’s like that.

        OK. Work continues. There’s no way I’m giving up. There are no other options. In the meanwhile, celebrate successes big and small, like the success example you gave above. Dude, it so counts!

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