March 25, 2014
Been meaning to update some things… But have chosen to be all ‘task-oriented’ and…you know…focusing on what I ‘have’ to do instead of what I feel for doing. I think every once in a while when I have a good experience (i.e. my ACA meeting the other day – see below post) I feel like I have to pay it back with ‘work’. The pattern of keeping me ‘working’ instead of ‘living’ really overshadows my life most days. And sometimes writing about it on top of experiencing it feels disheartening. The thing that keeps me writing is that…well, 2 things… Other people may read this and get something comforting or personally revelatory out of it, and after I write here I actually feel a bit of a load off. It takes me reminding myself…
So, in the past few days I have somehow found some relief from the terrible feeling of dread I was having. On Friday I took my ex’s kids out which was soooo nice, but I realized it also causes me a lot of stress. I have to worry about how their parents react to them and to me taking them to do things… And, I usually spend time with them with their Dad, and I noticed how much compensating (for him) I was doing during those times, and how driven I am to behave in the same way when he is not here. Just out of habit… But I don’t have to. And then I think I am at a loss… Like, not sure what the point of me is, if I am not here to compensate for their Dad… I try to depend on the great things I do with them or the caring way I am with them…but it is just a weird shift… and it gives me a lot of anxiety, right in my chest. Like I am feeling guilt for something and I can’t quite put my finger on what for.
I am off to Group Therapy tonight and anticipating some upheaval. Last week everyone opened up quite a bit more about what they thought the meetings should be like, what they expected of them, and I even talked to a couple of people for a few minutes after the meeting. We aren’t supposed to socialize after the meetings, so I am looking forward to sharing what those exchanges were between me and others. And trying to share my honest goals about being there while sharing my honest feelings about my exchanges with others.
I am seeing that some people think someone else is supposed to define why we are there, what we are supposed to do there, and where we are supposed to be at the end of the 9 months. I do not feel that way at all. I think I have my own goals, but they are not really quantifiable or ‘psychiatrically’ defined or any such thing. But some people want them to be. And some people are defining their success by whether we are ‘solving each others’ problems’ or not… That I find gives me a bad feeling in my stomach. And the idea that some people want to simply know if others agree with them or are ‘on their side’ about certain issues that are happening in their lives or choices that they are making in their relationships. I am also not down with that…
I am just happy to be able to go somewhere where we are all obligated to be courteous and be a part of other people getting to know themselves. There are some things that I know will be helpful, but I know no one will be able to help me singlehandedly… I just need a place where things I do and say come to light, and bounce off of other back to me to show me a more nuanced way of looking at myself and at life… I do not want to be in a ‘race’…or anything like that. I just want to find comfort within myself, to know that I belong in this life, that everything about me belongs here. Many people aren’t in that frame of mind.
In order get rid of the bit of tension I have in my chest I am going to walk to the meeting (about 55 mins yay!). Here’ goes.
So thankful for another day. Another chance to grow into me.