Back To ACA
Tonight I went back to my first ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) step study in maybe almost a year. Almost a couple of months ago I decided I would go back and do another one. What made me plan to go back was…a couple of things. I haven’t been able to really spend time with my own feelings as much as I thought I was going to be able to. I don’t feel like I have been able to ‘re-parent’ myself as i had hoped. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, Coda meetings, and Alanon meetings are great, but I think I’ve come to need a little more, a little deeper searching after a little break from the last step study. I need the time to really dive in a little more. I have made some progress on my own, and with other things, including meditation, but I am lonely. Lonely in part because I either have regressed to spending time with my ex (although I havent seen him in about 1.5 months now) and little time with healthy friends. I am literally thinking that I am not healthy enough to spend time with healthy friends, but it is no problem to spend time with someone who is not at all healthy…because…well, maybe because I don’t think I can do much more damage to myself, and I’d rather not embarrass myself with healthy friends. I’d rather G be pissy at me for enforcing boundaries than other people look at me with sadness or pity when I show some signs of pathetic-ness. It’s time to kick my self-love up a notch and try to propel myself into the new world. And sharing all of the things I have been learning about myself in a safe environment feels kind of like ‘coming home’ again.
I felt very good in my first step study, because I fervently tried to be as open and honest about my feelings as I could. Even though I think I hate my anger and what I might call my petulance… I really put myself out there. And I am so relieved to have that basis now, and relieved to know that I love myself more than I thought, and no matter what comes out of this heart and mind and body, it is going to move me closer to sanity.
I have felt really NOT emotionally sober as I have isolated myself. I have been panicky and obsessive and anxious, and bitter, and just getting more and more pissed, even though I am working on myself all alone… But like they say, we can’t do it alone. I can not do it alone. I need to share this experience with a spiritual community, a group conscious, be present with myself and my higher power. And the ACA step study feels like a good place of all of those…
It was a tender-feeling place to be tonight. There were some scared people, I could tell. But there was very little tension, very little ego. Very little resentment. Which is what I know I can bring into such a place, just because I am so scared. So scared to be judged. So scared to feel vulnerable. There are moments when I want to growl like a wild cat to warn people not to &^%$ with me. But there was none of that tonight. We were all there, vulnerable, and seemingly considerate and welcoming to each other. I like the location as well. This will be my home one night a week for 17 weeks. Yay 🙂
Posted on March 24, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.