One Disclaimer For Myself
One of the ways my emotional patterns play out is that I do things in response to people who supposedly love me in order to eventually receive ‘credit’ for it.
For example, while my mother gets herself into unfortunate situations and runs herself ragged, immerses herself in negative situations and unhappiness and neglects her and my relationship all the while, I have pretended that I agree with her by passively giving her an affirmative response to a question to that effect, or omitting to say anything that gives her the impression otherwise.
What has been in the back of my mind is that my patience and ‘acceptance’ of her choices will eventually yield huge rewards for me… Like, her acknowledging how self-absorbed she has been and her acknowledging how patient and accepting I have been throughout, just waiting for her to come to her senses.
And/or her finally finding ME worthy of all of that energy that she spent on tumult, unhappiness and drama.
I have discovered that my partner relationships have been the same. I have put so much into (pretending) that I accept and agree so that I will be accepted and supported and it yields nothing. Well, except for their expectation that I continue to be accepting and supporting of things that (sadden, repulse or disgust) me.
It is so discouraging to think about this, because it feels like a trap, and a trap I have been complicit in constructing for MYSELF and within which I am confining MYSELF.
What do I need to feel or believe in order to stop this pattern?
1) I deserve love and support without having to sacrifice my self, without compromising my true feelings.
2) Pretending to agree and ‘understand’ something I do not is not a way of showing someone I love them.
3) I am not here to soften the blow that people experience as a consequence of their own mistakes.
4) I am a lovable person without working at it
5) if I feel I am being forced into agreeing with or pacifying someone when I am against any of it, I can take the opportunity I need to extricate myself. The fear I have of being hated or dismissed or resented or excluded needs my attention in these moments. I need reminding that in extricating myself I am freeing myself from having to work for love and safety and acceptance. I am freeing myself from spending a painful kind of energy creating a worthiness for myself that is already here. I am saving myself work and sadness.
6)And like I would like my mother or partner to do, I will put that energy into showing myself the ways I am loved rather than reinforcing the idea that I am not.