Not seeing G
What in my body or mind, of my feelings…most needs my attention?
1) Devastation that he chooses other alcoholics, enablers, and drinking itself over us and getting past his hurt.
2) the feeling that there is always something better out there than me; I don’t fill his needs, I don’t ‘be’ what fits into life the way he (his addicted self) wants it, I don’t love him if I don’t support his destructiveness.
I do not do enough for my loved ones. They don’t think I love them. And it’s because I don’t know how to love? I am not loving?
3) the feeling: slimy spineless useless pointless, I am a waste of time and space. I am a waste, if I can’t be what someone wants me to be I am an orphan from those I love, a joke, not to be taken seriously, not to be trusted, have to prove over and over my worth (love) to someone.
To feel that for ever… I have been hurting. And realizing this opens the door to self forgiveness…
Forgiving and Caring for our ‘soul-sadness’.
– I do not hate myself any more for feeling that way
– forgiveness scan: what am I holding against myself? List if needed. And then forgive myself for each thing.
See T. Brach’s podcast “Self-Forgiveness”
Thank you xo
PS: I discovered in writing this how old and well-established this feeling is of being an orphan. In every emotional relationship I can feel not just alone but orphaned because I have been conditioned to 1) put all of my eggs in one basket and 2) think that I am completely alone when I lose a/that relationship.