Self-forgiveness today.


Not seeing G

What in my body or mind, of my feelings…most needs my attention?

1) Devastation that he chooses other alcoholics, enablers, and drinking itself over us and getting past his hurt.

2) the feeling that there is always something better out there than me; I don’t fill his needs, I don’t ‘be’ what fits into life the way he (his addicted self) wants it, I don’t love him if I don’t support his destructiveness.
I do not do enough for my loved ones. They don’t think I love them. And it’s because I don’t know how to love? I am not loving?

3) the feeling: slimy spineless useless pointless, I am a waste of time and space. I am a waste, if I can’t be what someone wants me to be I am an orphan from those I love, a joke, not to be taken seriously, not to be trusted, have to prove over and over my worth (love) to someone.

To feel that for ever… I have been hurting. And realizing this opens the door to self forgiveness…

Forgiving and Caring for our ‘soul-sadness’.

– I do not hate myself any more for feeling that way
– forgiveness scan: what am I holding against myself? List if needed. And then forgive myself for each thing.

See T. Brach’s podcast “Self-Forgiveness”

Namaste
Thank you xo
PS: I discovered in writing this how old and well-established this feeling is of being an orphan. In every emotional relationship I can feel not just alone but orphaned because I have been conditioned to 1) put all of my eggs in one basket and 2) think that I am completely alone when I lose a/that relationship.

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on March 7, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Great post, I really need to employ this technique. Sometimes I feel I’m the most forgiving person in the world only to be reminded I neglect to add myself to the list of people I need to forgive. This, to me, seems to be an insurmountable mountain to climb. But……I am going to try.
    Thank you Wonderfulshantelle. I needed this. 🙂

    • It’s my pleasure, Teela.
      I hope it helps you find some relief and peace.
      In attempting this thought process I notice that mountain of things that lies in view is not an accurate view of what there is for me to forgive myself for. Only a fraction of the mountain is really my responsibility. Phew!!
      Thank you for following my journey.
      Warm thoughts to you.
      xo

  2. This is the toughest thing I’ve ever faced. Keep facing it with me girl. We will get there. I swear it! XO, Dharma

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