Making sense of group:
One girl tonight expressed her anger at a friend of hers for appearing what she sees as unfeeling, uncaring, or unsympathetic to another friend who has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
I was appalled at the girl’s reaction – called her friend a selfish bitch. I was appalled. I thought she was so closed minded and ignorant and mean and judgmental.
Because she was judging that woman without any understanding of the fact that that girl is probably unfeeling for a good reason. She is not unfeeling because she is a bad person. But the girl at group said and expressed the worst about her.
The conversation continued and I gained more understanding because the girl’s mother had died from the same illness recently an she felt very alone in caring for her mother. And she is still very upset and angry with that friend and others who she felt were not “there” for her.
The whole thing brings up my anger about…
People judging people for their reactions when they are not in their shoes.
My tendency to give people too much leeway in hurting my feelings – I tell myself they have a good reasons. And I let myself get more and more hurt and angry.
I have this idea that angry people are very hurt. The thing I am learning is that some people are irretrievably hurt and some are not.
My own apparent inability to be sensitive. (I was told by my mother that I was unfeeling and cold many times – when her mother died, when her father died, when people did not nice things to her).
But I realized eventually that I was suppressed because I was not allowed to have feelings about things when I was young. My mother did not recognize or acknowledge or appreciate my upsets and fears. So I didn’t learn that very well…to respond to others’.
And my mother seems to impose her feelings and experience on me. She would also “sell” me to other people by making up things about how I was or what I was feeling or doing, before even asking, and then eventually because she didn’t know…because I was too guarded to tell her.
So I have more sympathy for the girl in group, but also more info to do my own work.
Lots of people keep people in their lives who do not satisfy their needs for intimacy and caring as they need it.
The girl needs to recognize that about herself.
Like I do.
And I pray I can 1)pay more attention to my guardedness, and 2)make effort to see things and people for what they are 3)and make gentle timely decisions about them and what I need.