Lay It Out there
Obsessive thinking is a difficult thing to admit to, let alone a difficult habit to break. I feel like so much less of a person. Less of a good loving person because of what obsessive thinking does to me…
Obsessing about something or someone and their behaviors drives me to do and say things out of fear and rage, and more fear, and it feels like a kind of delirium. It’s like I need so badly to get out feelings that are so tightly packed down…they are bursting with a 1000lbs of pressure. And although no one person can withstand that kind of pressure I am at these moments ashamed of having no control over my thoughts and words and actions. And ashamed of the thoughts themselves…
I do not do anything physically aggressive, but the thoughts and words feel aggressive. They feel like punches. So I feel ashamed of the lack of control, ashamed of the anger…afraid of how ugly that is, ashamed of hurting someone’s feelings, even if they have hurt me much worse than I have hurt them.
I hate to face my own thoughts because of this shame. I don’t like to face that I think these things, even if I know it is not what I want to think. Even if I know that how I got here is not all my fault..,
But I have been learning that if I don’t face them, I won’t be able to look under them, or beyond them, or see through them. And I have learned that I think it works, to just look those scary unspeakable things in the face.
My obsessing in the past 12 hours has been like this…
– g needs to know that he hurt me
– g needs to show me he cares
– g needs to know how completely uncaring he acts
– g is trying to take without giving
– g is the reason for all of our frustration.
– g gets away with manipulating everyone
– g gets away with everything and I let him, and I don’t want to let him
– g lies and he needs to know that I know that
– g needs to know how angry I am that he puts his time and energy into drinking buddies and strangers, not the people who love and need him.
To work through such understandable but wasteful thoughts and energies, I have to face the criticisms I am making. I am making declarations about how ‘bad’ he is being, expressing such disapproval and resentment, and it doesn’t get me anywhere. Only more angry, especially at myself, ruining my moments, hours and days.
I am saying he is selfish and manipulative and that my woes are his fault.
But what I am fearing (or believing) as I dwell on how uncaring he is, is:
– I am not worth caring about.
– if I don’t work to fix things or him, I will not be loved.
– I do not fix things well.
– I deserve to be neglected
– I am a pushover
– I can not be happy without someone treating me like I am important
– I am laughable – I m not a good partner, my opinions and feelings are not worthy or valuable
– people treat me like crap because of something I did.
– it is my fault that someone neglects to show me love and respect.
– my anger is a good reason for someone not to love me
– in have to work for love
– I have to work to get love from difficult people
– I am a difficult person.
My fears are things that have nothing I do with g.
When I can articulate those fears I cam reflect on why they are what they are, where they came from, but also whether they are true and how I want to feel differently.
I am not neglected because I am not worthy. I am neglected by others because I allow it.
– I am not hurt and angry because I am a bad person. I am hurt and angry because I a human being and others actions have hurt me. I am angry because I did not remove myself from that or defend myself. And my anger is understandable. I need care and comfort and I am worthy of it. And I need it from me most importantly. Not him.
– it is not my fault when people lie to me, manipulate me, cheat on me. I didn’t do something to deserve it. I just didn’t show that I am worth more.
– people treating me like shit does not mean that I am shit. And I do not have to convince anyone of that.
– I don’t have to convince someone to be kind to me.
– I don’t have to show someone HOW to be nice to me or treat me or love me. I don’t have to do the work for them. If they can’t love me, of they are unable to show respect and consideration and love for me then that is it. It’s not MY fault that they can’t.
– my relationships do not fail all because of not making them work.
This is absolutely excruciating stuff to practice…
Posted on February 25, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.