Exhale – Feeling What I Feel, Alone
Learn to be comfortable with feeling what I feel, alone. It is normal to feel livid, scared, joyful, irritated, vulnerable, annoyed, sad, desperate, lonely. Even if I feel it alone, even if I don’t think anyone else feels it. Even if no one agrees with me.
I went to therapy today knowing I was going to say something about how I went to group therapy this week and forgot that I had anything to say. It was like nothing had happened with me last week. By default I wanted to talk about how lonely and silly I felt for my relationship, but that was not the kind of thing that other people brought up. They brought up fleeting things. Like being jealous because of not getting attention from a bunch of guys, and sleeping with someone 20 years one’s junior… Things that I don’t have to or don’t choose to worry about these days.
I should have brought up the fact that the wheel fell off of my car and how paralyzing and terrifying the experience was for me. Because I was face with the necessity of making sure people knew I was scared and angry. And making sure people were accountable for their mistakes. And making sure I paid attention to my own fragility, needs… That I managed to face an find peace in the fact that no one but me is going to take care of, protect or value me the way I need….
But I was ‘reticent’, as my therapist described it, to share the story.
I didn’t want solutions. I would feel like someone thought I was stupid. I would rather someone help me to SEE things outside of my fears and anxiety or anger and vulnerability. Help me to SEE things, so that I can resolve things the best I can. Me.
And I am afraid to make declarations about how I feel because someone’s response could hurt.
I am in group therapy to learn to feel and think and act from a place that knows that I am alone and unique like everyone else. And no one’s response can erase my reality or compromise my place here, anywhere.
Coming into my being means that I will learn to feel content in my self, being myself, speaking my heart and mind AND that I will inevitably receive responses that will hurt as a result. I told my therapist that I wish it could only be the first part.
I am reticent to share myself because I am afraid of people judging and dismissing and minimizing and shying away (leaving) when they don’t understand or are scared of my thoughts or their own.
When I did share about my relationship in Group and couple of weeks ago, I got a ‘sound’ that was like a scoff from someone sitting a couple seats to my right. It was a scoff that I perceived as a judgment that I was wrong in what I was saying. Or thinking. That I was being harsh or ridiculous.
Next week I will ask my group colleague why he scoffed (or whatever that sound was that he made) when I described my relationship and the thoughts that were going through my head. Even though I am scared of exactly that, someone’s dismissive response to my own personal experience and feelings.
Before I ask about that, however, I will share my feelings of reticence and the thoughts I am having as I decide, moment to moment to not share my experiences.
I am alone in feeling, seeing, perceiving, acting. I am human like everyone else, but I am a unique human like everyone else. Will I get used to the idea that the world deserves to know about me, like anyone else?
Posted on February 20, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.