Help is Needed.


I have been letting myself be steamrolled by my scared, militant, abused, traumatized, freaked out self. She is making life very unbearably anxious lonely and dry. And I don’t remember in the moment that she is not the only voice in my head.

I learned when i was younger to let the ‘difficult’ person in my life define my terms of existence, just so that I could avoid the trouble (backlash) that comes with asserting my own wants, needs and thoughts on the matter.
Keeping my existence low-key and low-maintenance became normal, sustainable, and more comfortable than the alternative.

But recently I moved away from one of those difficult people, for the umpteenth (and maybe for the very last) time. I did not realize until this morning, however, that I was one of those terribly difficult people in my life. I thought I had freed myself when I got away from him…

I noticed I have been struggling in similar ways as before to make myself happy when he is not here. Struggling against Myself(!) in such similar ways… Like I am the difficult one…

Pretending to not be tired. Pretending to not be bored. Pretending that my body does not need more exercise. Pretending I don’t need fun and nice people around me. And getting more and more sad and angry as I make this unwanted effort to keep myself invisible.

Thank god I have practiced loving myself more with my ex… I now see that I must put all of that into practice into living with MYSELF. That angry, lonely, scared, desperate, self-loathing, over-work and criticism-subjecting, terrorizing, resentful part of me needs to know that I don’t want to live like that anymore and that she needs to lighten up and keep getting help, and that she can’t make me live so barren a life.

I thought I was better than my dear ex. But I guess if I didn’t have all if those painful things inside I would not have left myself with him for any length of time. Eh?!

Unfortunately ‘that’ pained me is not one of those people I can leave behind like I have him. She has to come with me everywhere, forever… So I have to learn to live better, for the both of us. To love myself better for the both of us. She is a monkey on my back and I have to teach her that it’s my soft, caring, attentive way, or the highway. That I have HER on a leash and not the other way around.

And like with my substance-abusing ex, this requires that I be resolute. I am usually scared to show those angry people my self love and self care, because there is backlash (“Who do you think you are!? You think you deserve that!?” “What about me!?” Or “you are stupid, if you think you need all of that softy shit — you are weak, useless, boring, unloveable, and a waste of oxygen”.

Like my ex, this angry girl inside will not let go of her self-sabotaging philosophies and bad habits easily. She will not be easily convinced that the self-loving and caring and all-healthy way is the best way to go. I have to be a rock. A tall-standing rock that lets criticism and threats and cruel insults drift on past me like an angry whistling wind.

“I am consistent. I am open about my positive hopeful beliefs and visions. And open about the improvement and comfort I feel in doing things the way that healthy desirous voice of tender care inside me really wants to.”

I am my final frontier. And help is here…

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on February 5, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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