Acceptance 2: Forgive Me
As I have blogged recently, I am having the worst mornings. I’m unable to get out of bed for what feels like huge weights on my body and mind. I decided last weekend to start to try to write down what those weights feel like, what I am telling myself in those moments, before I roll out of bed.
Then once I am aware of those things, I have told myself, I will work with them. Tara Brach-style.
This morning a familiar voice came through. My “unforgiving” voice. The harsh scary critic I am of myself, learned from ignorance in those around me.
This morning on my list of weights I was able to articulate the voice that tells me how frustrated it is with me making the same mistakes over and over. With how I am going to take myself on the same boring sad trip today down ‘memory lane’, down the road of feeling sorry for myself, waiting for G or someone to bring that love to me that I deserve, that they have been holding back until I find a way to be exactly what they want from me.
I have not forgiven myself for not being perfectly what they want and need, AND I have not forgiven myself for waiting for them to approve of me, AND for waiting for them to change their minds about me, AND most importantly, for continuing to look for love and acceptance from THEM…!!! I have not forgiven myself for being foolish and “stupid” (says the mean voice in my head).
“I have not forgiven MYSELF”. In fact I am bent on telling myself off in my mind and body. I bent on making myself feel like I am not worth trying…
I wake up so disappointed in myself, and with the idea that ‘if “he/they” would only decide differently I would not be making a mistake looking for love there’. This self-disappointment and self-imposed deprivation and devastation that I am subjecting myself to is what keeps me in bed. What kept me awake until 3 am last night. And what gave me a terrible sleep.
How to practice forgiveness… Forgiving ME, ME, ME…(first me, then them).
What love or intention can I give myself this morning that will lift these weights off my mind and body?
Requests for me:
If I were someone else I would show patience. If I were someone else I would show them I love them even though they made me feel like shit.
Do that for me, instead of someone else who has to learn to do that for themselves.
“Shantelle, I trust you to make your/myself happy today, to protect and treasure your your vulnerability, your fragile senses. To treat yourself with mindfulness and delicacy today. Even on jus a few times. I trust you to give it a try. You are the only one, and the best one for the job. Start again today. You deserve to eat. You deserve to care for yourself with exercise and attention, with silence and meditation. Leave the regret behind. I implore you. I allow you. I authorize you. You are not allowed, for one more day, to look for love at an oasis. You shall look for love where there is bounty. You are a bounty of love. You have the wish for kindness and peace and happiness and you are certainly a source for all of that. I do not allow you to drink from a dry well anymore. I will give you everything you ask me for.
Gratitude: I am grateful that my challenges are not as terribly tragic as some.
Bless the spirits who have moved on because they could not find peace in their bodies here.
(RIP PSH. I am sad that we will never ever again experience your splendid spirit shining out to the world. I experienced joy and awe at your expression here.)
My mind does not know what is best for me. It craves, it pines. It tells me distracting stories.
I choose to care for my spirit through my body.
Thank you for Today.