Not letting myself feel good because I’m afraid of feeling bad when it’s done.

The difficult job of keeping in sight at every moment why I want to keep no contact with Ex.
– feel like shit when he’s a around; he prods and pokes with self-pitying comments, paying not an ounce of attention to me, how I am feeling, or what state I am in. I have been literally bed-bound for going on 4 days and on the first day, he didn’t seem to notice how much pain and discomfort I was in, even though I described to him how I was feeling.

Then rather than be here to help me get food etc he stayed away so he could drink. He hung out with people he knows are useless just because he can drink, and lie and be an idiot and they won’t say anything to him but ‘poor you’ and ‘yay, you’re gracing us with your presence’.

What stories am I telling myself about myself that let me find excuses to keep any kind of contact with him? I know what I say about him is that he is sick and can’t do any better right now… That he will realize eventually.
But me?

I think am stuck on the thought that I don’t need any care and consideration from the people who claim to care about me. I don’t need anything. I can survive on air. On being ignored. I can survive on other peoples intention to care about me. Their desire to show they care. I steadfastly keep myself deprived by being satisfied with empty promises. And all of that helps me to obscure what i really need…

I need: TBA


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on January 2, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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