No News but New Lessons


I have said this before, but I say it again, because I am so thankful for AA meetings. I am not an alcoholic…But I am addicted to alcoholics and people who act like alcoholics, and I act like an alcoholic but not with alcohol. I am just as much an addict, but I do not drink.

and every time I go to an AA meeting I take something away…about my own behavior…Tonight, I am thankful and happy for someone’s reflection on how they would always set themselves up for failure when they drank. I do that…

They would do things they did not like, were not into, did not have time to do, were not capable of, and inevitably disappoint…themselves mostly. I task myself with things that I can not possibly accomplish or resolve in the time I give myself or under the circumstances in which I find myself.

The voice in my head tells me I am a coward if I do not put myself in that position, ironically. I feel as though if I make things easy – or simply not difficult – on myself, that I am worthless. There is no point to me. What is so great about only doing what i am capable of doing? What is reasonable for me to do? What I enjoy doing? What I have the energy for? What I ‘know how’ to do?? I have the voice in my head that tells me how silly I am to keep things ‘in the realm of Shantelle.’

I wake up first thing in the morning disappointed in myself because I anticipate impending failure. I will not complete an entire dissertation today. I will not clean everything today. I will not right all wrongs today. I will not, today, make up for every time I have let someone down in my life. I will procrastinate out of fear. I will be late. i will be inadequate.

It’s a wonder I don’t drink… 😉

I pray to learn at the pace my Higher Power leads me, how to live my day at my speed, with honesty, at my pace, at my level, as a human, with only human (not super-human) ability, emotion, physicality, affection…

I pray to learn to pay attention to what I can do. What I feel like doing. What makes me happy, at ease, peaceful, what represents as well as enhances my ability in ways beautifully specific to me.

I am joyfully grateful for the sincere service of those who have the courage to follow AA.

 

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on December 30, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I have experienced the characteristics you mention since childhood and have slowly been able to see positive changes. I have had to learn to take care of myself as never before, learn to eat only healthy foods, get the sleep I need, exercise and learn to relax/ manage stress. I still have off days, but overall I do see a lot of healing.

    I realize too I have to be extra careful who I allow into my circle of friends as a toxic friendship or relationship could undo all the progress I have made.

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