I’m the mornings, just when I have come to, grief hangs so low and thick. I am blinded by it like a pea soup fog blinds. It sits on me like a 5-ton animal, waiting for me to admit it is there.
Every day I ignore my grief. That makes every day feel like a loss. Every day is a sad forgone conclusion because it begins with grief and I ignore it. So it sits on me all day. Eating its breakfast, then it’s lunch then it’s dinner, humming and huh’ing all day, humoring me as I try to live my day…with it’s 5-ton ass on my back.
If I could admit how heavy it is, admit how sad I am… If I admit how sad I am, if I admit that things have not worked, if I cry and scream and dry-heave about it. If I let myself show it. Show the devastation, admit the pain and hurt, then I can stop the broken record. The lies.
It hurts when someone has not been honest. When I overlooked that and they used that opportunity to be dishonest again and again. I wanted to burst.
I thought I was a bad unloving person for being so upset at the dishonesty.
But I was being a bad partner for ever letting it go the first time.
I was an immature unreliable partner for playing a game, for going along with it like someone would go along with a kid’s lie and giving them any indication that that could go on for a moment. I gave them the impression that that was the kind of relationship I want. That I can take it. That I respect and love that. Bad partner for giving him the wrong idea. My actions gave him the wrong idea.
I grieve about that mistake, my mistake. I hate every moment that I do not change that. And I grieve for every moment that he hurt my feelings and knew it and he let it go… He waited, like a little kid, for it to pass. And I waited for him to come back to me even though I was destroyed.
I grieve because I am so so so sad.
I won’t let it come because I am afraid to be debilitated. I will be debilitated when I let myself feel the pain.
I deserve relief though. Silly to go on like this.
Grieve S, grieve. On the other side is new, new steps. The chance to start from where I want to. The chance to make every happy decision. Make decisions that keep me true and loving and loved and out from underneath this huge grief beast that sits happily on me and doesn’t let me shift for comfort or to itch or to breathe.
Grief, sadness, truth about who I am — how fortunate I am that you are still there…that you are not SO buried, so far away, so obscure. On these mornings where I feel half dead, you are really just there to remind me of what I have left to do. I must give myself the gift of true expression of my feelings, and then I will receive the gift that is on the other side.
I am so sad, I am.
Once I let myself feel it, let myself act it, let myself be who I am, I will be able to get up in the morning like a feather floats up from the ground.
I can be proud of my feelings. They are me and only show me the way… When I am rejected for them I am not really shut down. I am really just being given a choice.
Grief is a beginning, not an end…
Posted on September 27, 2013, in 12-step, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.