Talk to the Wall
Communicating with me is like talking to the wall…
Why can’t I accept the fact that, since the beginning:
– I did not find it comforting that he was ‘proud’ of his arrest
– I did not feel secure with his impetuousness
– I did not like his deviousness, sneaking around, omissions, cat & mouse game, trying to control people’s reactions, criticisms of his ex, his need to impress without being true…
– his questioning my intentions based on what other people said, based on his own stereotypes, insecurities, prejudices, fear of being thought less of by people he doesn’t respect, by people he feels he needs to prove himself to
– his dependence on my stability and resources without appreciating where those came from
Why can’t I accept my real feelings? Why do I try and deny them? Why am I afraid to be who I really am? Why do I feel like I ‘belong’ to something that is so unpleasant, torturous, self-abusive? Why do I feel more belonging there?
Maybe I feel like I have nothing to offer in a healthy relationship.
Maybe I don’t have anything to offer in a healthy relationship. Because right now I do not. If I accept that I am just empty right now, then maybe I can do something about it. Having all of the things above in my life actually means I have less than nothing. Because they all have left me in the red for so long. Not having gained or grown. Just having beat myself all to shit. Have I beat myself all to shit enough to understand yet?
Am I ready to start over with nothing yet?
Can I accept that I am starting with nothing?
Can I accept help from my higher power and accept that all we have is that, even when we think we have ‘everything’…