Livid Thanks

Found a meditation master who is easy to listen to, and elementary in his explanations. I am less resentful of my exhausting mind and mean thoughts. Thank you.

When some of the thought debris clears away, however, of course feelings become clearer, and I have more focused thoughts about them.

I need to express something honest this morning. I feel that this reaction is codependent but also true for me, so I need to inventory it. Most importantly, however, I need to let myself feel the anger. And I felt it coming at a most unexpected time this morning.

When my (ex) and I have some kind of disagreement or argument, I feel I have always been the one to be punished for it. I am always the one who must stay away. Even though he is a self-absorbed, dishonest, manipulative alcoholic who his kids defer to out of intimidation, I am the one who must be at a distance. I get ‘kicked out’ so to speak. I get cast out. I get chastised. I get abandoned. Nothing matters about my place in his life except that I have ‘criticized’ him or ‘called him out’…Even though I am the one they call for help when he is missing or they look to me for stability when I am with them all, he acts like I am the disruptor, the troublemaker…the one who ‘ruins’ everything. I am the one who is alone in the end.

They are all in such a glass house and if I don’t just leave the lies alone, leave his facade or his made-up stories unquestioned, agree to ridiculous things like a lobotomized idiot, I am the outcast.

And I am destroyed every single time. I don’t even know how I put one foot in front of the other I am so absolutely broken-hearted. Every one of my organs feels broken each time…

People, even the kids have wondered why I question things or ask for honesty or reason when ‘we all know he isn’t going to react very well to that…’ I am…there is no word…’speechless’ is an understatement… I feel so neglectful for letting things transpire is such abusive, manipulative, passive aggressive, twisted ways… And yet I, I, I am the one who is treated like shit…

Same pattern of my whole life?

The anger and hurt I feel about this having happened over and over again is so huge that I am afraid to let it out because I don’t have a box big enough to stuff it into when it comes out. And not even a closet big enough to put it in if I had a big enough box…

It is difficult to face the reality of such a situation for that reason. But also because it means getting certain people completely out of my life so I don’t feel like shit constantly lying to myself about what I feel is right and wrong…

This is one of the most painful, if not the most painful thing I experience from day to day these days. I relive it over and over.

and extricating myself feels like it is going to be no less painful, because I am faced with extricating myself from a whole life, even if it is a life of passivity. It feels terrifyingly lonely…because I know I am alone, I am going to be alone, because all of those I thought I was close to are going to disappear when I refuse to lie to myself…because I will then no longer lie to them…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on September 23, 2013, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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