Creating a New Future
I don’t know what it is like to parent. And i don’t know what it is like to be parented in a way that feels good or that i can draw on as an example.
My inner child is really coming through, or I see and feel her much more. In the mornings when I can’t get up, it is a tendency I learned when I was very little.
I was afraid to get up. There were things to be afraid of. I didn’t know what the day would be like. There was dread. And now I wake up in the morning and go through the whole day not knowing what I am doing. Not knowing what I need, because when I was little I learned what I needed from what my mother and John did and didn’t do for me. I had to ignore myself and what my actual needs and feelings were and pay attention to them because things were unpredictable.
In order to live now, I have to create a different life. A whole new brand new life…I don’t know how to do that as an adult. How do I comfort and care for my inner child when I don’t know what it is like to be comforted and cared for? I realize that I am drawing a blank.
I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous…but I have been watching super-nanny all evening, looking for a way to care for my inner child. Rewards. Praise. Listen to what she feels, what she is saying. What she is acting like. Pay attention and then respond. Don’t react with disappointment or disdain. Hold the line. Show her love and patience regardless of how rebellious she is being. Welcome her expressions, even of obstinence…which is what I think I am getting from her. I realize I have been punishing myself for not being motivated to get out of bed in the morning. I have been antagonizing myself sometimes, reacting as though my inner child is just being difficult and will change without me listening or responding to her. But I don’t know how to respond. I try really hard to listen…but I think it’s scary. Knowing what she is going to say, what feelings she is going to express…
But I can not work. I can not move on from so many things if I do not listen to her and take care of whatever is keeping her sunk at her bottom. That’s what I feel like – like I am trying to drag a devastated child to the surface when she has anchored herself at the bottom of the ocean looking for attention. Hiding and looking for someone to save her at the same time.
Listen and respond.
What can I do that is simple? Say kind gentle tender things in the morning… Give her something to look forward to…(Like what??)…Wow…this is the hardest thing I think I may have ever done…Care for my own self.
Posted on September 18, 2013, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.