Care for LIttle One – Support Me in it.
A. Thank Me:
– for taking the dog back to G today, and picking up my bike, and not going in. spared myself of 1) giving to him 2) losing more energy on him 3) letting him believe that I support him and want a half of a relationship 4) spending money on the dog 5) anticipating when he was going to come and get the dog 6) anticipating having to give him excuses for him to not come up here 6) one less thing on my list when I am trying to write (walk the dog, train the dog) 7) spending energy pretending
– for giving myself time this morning. I feel like I am procrastinating, but I am also doing self-help exercises, trying to find calm before i work.
– thank me for doing the dishes last night so I wake up to a tidier kitchen
– thank me for feeding myself yesterday, take-out so it felt easy
– thank me for searching for my truth.
2. Give myself the validation I am waiting for from Someone else:
I hope that G would tell me how sorry he is for dragging me and my feelings through the mud. Tell me that he can’t believe how terribly he has spoken to me and acted and hurt my feelings. Tell me that he wants everything I want. That he wants to get rid of his burdens and enjoy all of the things we enjoy together.
But instead, better to say: Shantelle, I am so sorry for dragging you through your past over and over again, dragging you into difficult, compromising, painful, hurtful situations, with people who fail over and over again to come through for themselves, let alone for you. I can’t believe how many times I have stood there while he has spoken to you so cruelly, and with such hate and manipulation. I am so sorry for standing there when you couldn’t handle it any more. You were to the point that you were going to faint or throw up, or feel your head implode. I am sorry for treating you like you are not a fragile, feeling, gentle, kind, soft person. I am sorry for forcing you to be hard. Forcing up your walls, forcing you to use tools that make you hurt so much, making you so scared and so hurt and so angry that you hate what comes out of your mouth. Shantelle, I want what you want. I want easy, and caring, and careful, and thoughtful, and safe, and a successful heart, and outdoor enjoyment, and completed work, and carefree vacations. I want to care for you. That is what fulfills me. If you are happy, Shantelle, I am twice as happy, and so-on.
C. Recognize when I am judging my feelings:
I have a right to feel like a 10,000lb rock today. It makes sense. I expect myself to handle everything, and everyone, and still be standing when they come back for more. I am hurt. I have felt a broken heart 1000 times in this relationship. And I am tired. I put pressure on myself to do things perfectly. And I am disappointed in myself even anticipating that I am not going to be good enough. It makes sense to feel helpless and paralyzed. I haven’t picked myself up yet. I am run down, bowled over, out of energy, out of hope, feel like shit, because I have a pattern of feeling negative about myself that I have not stopped yet. And I learned that pattern in the most intimate of contexts. That is all I learned. I haven’t found the core of love for myself yet. I haven’t yet decided to hold on to that one thing, forever. So I am still upset.
D. See myself as my own parent
This morning, if you get up and drag yourself to the table I will make you tea and whatever you like for breakfast. And you can take your time as you eat breakfast. And I will smile at you as you enjoy how good it is. And when you finish eating breakfast you can take time to decide what you want to do next. Remember, completing your thesis will set you free. You can ask me for whatever you need to work on it today. Anything. Even if you are scared or embarrassed or don’t believe that it is something I can give you. YOu can ask anyway. And I will look at you with love and appreciation, and gentility because I want to give you what you need. And once we have talked about that, I will be here while you get yourself ready to work. And once you have done some work, I will remind you that you deserve a break. And I will give you a break. You can tell me what kind of break you feel like, and I’ll support you in planning what you will do with your work next, noting where you left off, and taking that break. All day I will be here to support you.
When you start to up the pressure to do other things besides your work, I will remind you that you will have some time to do that later, after your work and you work breaks. I know it will be difficult and scary, but I will be here to help take the pressure off in what ever way we can find.
E. What do I need right now?
– another 2 hours of sleep
– a good stretch
– a hand on my back to calm me down
– out of my head
My feelings are important – they tell me what I need to do to make myself feel better. And I have room to make myself feel better, and grow bigger. I can grow into a visible happy strong awesome person.