What does it take to make oneself the center of one’s own life? I am recognizing, in this late leg of trying to finish my thesis, that one of the reasons why, if not the only reason why I am not finished after too many years is that I do not know how to put my life and my projects and wants and visions before outside demands and others needs or wants. I have put my thesis off every day waiting to be able to satisfy others’ needs and requests of me. The seriousness of their needs and requests has been inflated in my mind. Yes, some people in my life are much too demanding and needy, but I turn off my own personal life meter when others ask things of me.
I feel relief thinking about that…that I do not have to respond as much as I have. But I also feel, like I have very much at key moments in my life, like an empty loser. MY things, MY life, MY plans, MY work, MY play have all disappeared in every instance with a significant other, or even with friends…and even just ANTICIPATING demands or requests, my life, my existence in the form of goals and plans and wants and feelings go up into the air and evaporate as though they never existed. I feel as though I have no real legacy. Or just like there is no tangible trace of me…
I haven’t known really what it is like for my work and my plans and my visions to be the center of my life. I think if they were, it would mean first and foremost that I would feel filled up. Like I was something. Like I had something. Like I was of substance. Believable. Not just a silhouette.
I am watching other people finish and get jobs and publish, and they have these accomplishments and new parts of their lives, and documented thought processes to point us all to a human being.
If I made my goals first each day…I would be a person too.
It scares me, however, to:
– think about people’s reactions when I don’t respond to them anymore.
– think about my identity being tied to something I did
But I so want to stop being invisible…
Posted on September 12, 2013, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.