I am so angry about today that I need to reflect on the codependent things I have done and the ways that I have thought and spoken. It is soooo difficult to do this. I am doing it hoping that I can, as I always wish I could, throw caution to the wind, and have faith that my higher power’s care for me will save me from the inevitable demise or doom I seem to be afraid of…
1 – make my partner (ex…) my higher power; I wait for him. I wait for him to do things or say things or express things, as though all of those are the only door opening for me to do what I want, for me to be happy, for me to not worry about my life… Today, I woke up at his place, and I thought about taking a walk with the dog and fishing down the street. But I didn’t get up. One of the biggest things I think is that if I get up I will miss some chance for affection from him that morning. If I go fish for even an hour he will go over to the neighbors’ for a beer (yes, even first thing on a Sunday morning). If I get up and go out, he won’t care where I’m going or how long I am gone, he will just take the opportunity to plan getting drunk. Or do nothing. And doing nothing means he is obviously doing nothing for our relationship. Yes, if I say I am going to take the dog for a walk and fish, he won’t ask to come with me because, well, because he doesn’t want to do ANYTHING if it is not what HE wants to do, what HE SAYS he wants to do. And I anticipate this. I wait for him by deciding, when I know he wants to do NOTHING, to do nothing with him. I love the time with him, but he (and therefore we) do way too much of nothing. But I still wait for him to do ‘something’. And I keep waiting. Why aren’t I tired yet?
2-I pretend I am content, I pretend I agree, I pretend I empathize…I don’t say or express or act according to how I really feel or what I really think. That makes me angry; angry at me, angry at him. I actually ask myself to hold in such disgust and displeasure. I ask myself to do that. And I codependently get angry at him, not just for saying things like “I don’t feel like getting the kids this weekend…I think I need a break from the kids…I’ll just tell their mother I don’t have any money to do anything with them…” It upset me so much i was in tears, but I made it seem like I was just upset because I was going to miss seeing them. I lied about that, held in my disgust at what he said… And pretended like things were fine when I felt so guilty, so guilty for pretending with him, and so guilty for being a part of that (even though my tears seemed to change his mind…and we ended up picking up his son for the weekend… I pretend. And then all of my disgust, guilt, resentment…comes out at a weak moment. So, I look and sound…and feel crazy… because awhat I do and say doesn’t make any sense because of all of the pretending and lying and ‘holding in’ I am doing…
3-I do things to be a ‘good girl’ even when I feel like I am letting myself be sucked dry…and I have no reason whatsoever to gain approval or to make him (or anyone for that matter) feel like I am a good person. I spend money I don’t have, spend my time in ways I can’t afford to, make things for him and his kids just to keep my head above water (it feels like).
4-I don’t ask for what I want or need. I let my imagination of his response decide whether I will ask for something. I fight that reaction, but I am so tired of fighting the fact that his answers will depend on his mood, his level of drunkenness, what he did just before, his plans to get drunk, whether he has run out of money or not.
5-I sit around and sulk and wait and feel sorry for myself and boil and act helpless after I have confronted him about what feels like a very lopsided relationship. And I let myself go through what feels like a break-up and a broken heart over and over and over again.
I continue to be codependent. It feels like being on a scary merry-go-round that is going too fast (like 100k/hr) for me to jump off. I just want to jump off.
I feel insane. I forget to hand it all over. I forget because I think I will be alone. I really feel like I will be alone. Even the half-assed love from this alcoholic self-absorbed liar somehow looks better to me than none at all.
I feel like two people right now. A desperate scared codependent who knows nothing but hypocritical madness, and a screaming, tortured human being who can not stand the madness anymore.
Posted on September 8, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.