Ashamed of What I Want


I am afraid to pursue what I want, ask for and take what I need, because I am ashamed of it. I don’t want to be ashamed of it. I want to be happy and of clean conscience for what I need and what I want. But I was taught different. And the abusive people I have been around have ridiculed me about wanting and needing…what I want and need.

My Dad always thought I was weak, fragile, needy… He looked at me like a lower life form. He looked at me with annoyance, disapproval, exasperation…and treated me like a little animal to be disciplined when I was upset.

My boyfriends ducked when they were faced with my very reasonable requests. And ridiculed me like I was a goody-two shoes, or was too sure of myself, or thought to much of myself… Says more about their alcoholic selves than about me, but I cringed and cowered at every word.

I do want honest love though. I do want gentility. I do want patience. I do want generosity and thoughtfulness. In myself and in my partner. I do want sharing and mutual interest and admiration. I do want to be with someone who does not see me as something to ‘manage’ or ‘work around’ in their lives. I want support and clarity, and calm and freedom. True. And for all of those to be true.

 

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on September 8, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I think this is terribly challenging to break free from. The voices that remain in our heads that tell us we are being selfish or silly or needy or [whatever]. The voice that I now hear in response to those negative voices is “hmmm, interesting that you feel that way. Why does my choosing how to live MY live threaten you so?”

    Intellectually, we know the answer to the rhetorical question. To act contrary to those voices will be a lifelong recovery “to do” item for us. The only way I’m cool with that is to realize that each little step toward beating down the fear, shame, guilt, and anything else that’s warped, is a little step toward becoming whole where I’ve never been. If it weren’t worth it I’d give in, but I’ve had a taste of being “on the other side” and there’s NO way I’m going back. [It’s sort of like making homemade yogurt from prepared yogurt; the thing perpetuates itself.] Fear begets fear – don’t need any more of that. Courage (fortunately) begets courage.

    The way others see us is *their* problem. Merely because they project on us what they think we should be or what they want to believe we are, doesn’t make it real. I reminded myself of this during a conversation with both of my parents today. erg. I also find that in these situations the person on the other end of the projection FAIL is a little disoriented by my lack of absorption of their energies and their expectations. Again, that’s their problem, not mine.

    I liked the point you made about feeling ashamed. I don’t want to feel ashamed of pursuing what I want/need either, but it’s part of the programming that has to go. I struggle mightily with this Shantelle, you are not alone. In the meanwhile, I recognize it when it comes up and do the best I can. You’ll get traction, just keep believing in yourself. Being human is a rough gig! 😉

    Hugs, Dharma

  2. You deserve all of those things (in your last paragraph), and they aren’t too much to ask. I was also shamed, belittled and punished for just asking for things (or even asking questions!) in childhood and then I brought that unconscious dynamic into my adult relationships. That is a terrible legacy of abuse and neglect to have to live down, and it takes time to work through it. But we can stop neglecting ourselves today, and find our voice.

    Wishing you the best in that,
    -Caden

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