Ashamed of What I Want
I am afraid to pursue what I want, ask for and take what I need, because I am ashamed of it. I don’t want to be ashamed of it. I want to be happy and of clean conscience for what I need and what I want. But I was taught different. And the abusive people I have been around have ridiculed me about wanting and needing…what I want and need.
My Dad always thought I was weak, fragile, needy… He looked at me like a lower life form. He looked at me with annoyance, disapproval, exasperation…and treated me like a little animal to be disciplined when I was upset.
My boyfriends ducked when they were faced with my very reasonable requests. And ridiculed me like I was a goody-two shoes, or was too sure of myself, or thought to much of myself… Says more about their alcoholic selves than about me, but I cringed and cowered at every word.
I do want honest love though. I do want gentility. I do want patience. I do want generosity and thoughtfulness. In myself and in my partner. I do want sharing and mutual interest and admiration. I do want to be with someone who does not see me as something to ‘manage’ or ‘work around’ in their lives. I want support and clarity, and calm and freedom. True. And for all of those to be true.