It is an intense day. I will be adding to this entry as the day goes by…I am in awe at the idea that it is perfectly natural for me to need and want to be loved. In a loving way… Crazy strange that I have not (ever that I can remember) conducted myself with that knowledge in mind…
I am human.
I require love.
Love makes me happy.
I stand up straighter today, taller, more whole, with a smile, with a giggle, with some joy…because I do not have to be ashamed for needing to be loved.
For needing to be loved in a way that does not hurt.
For needing to feel a love that lasts.
For wanting an assured love.
For knowing that I will feel human with love.
Just human. So simple, but it means so much.
And if I am allowed to receive love, and receive love that is not trickery, or burdensome, or attached to a string…if I really understand that I can take the love, just because I am human…then the automatic additional knowledge appears, that I can choose which love is good, feels good, is right for me… What in the leaping lizards of God’s green earth kind of realization is that…?!?! I can CHOOSE good love?! Over love that does not seem so good?!
I have been operating on the understanding that I was limited to choosing only costly love!? I was limiting myself to love that fit that bill…Literally!? I was. I really was. And I thought I would get rewarded for that. I thought I looked heroic and selfless, and strong and courageous, and dependable, like a rock…
When really, I was just turning myself to stone, allowing all of the tender, life-giving qualities I had to be sucked out of me….
I thought I had to be others’ source of love. I thought that I had to stand there while they ‘tap’ me like a maple tree, and allow them to extract, ever so slowly but steadily, indefinitely, all of what I have…season to season, year to year, just standing there, while they gathered and I endured the hot, cold, loneliness and periodic visits…As though it is a natural thing, for me to just ooze love, without true care and understanding for where it comes from…or what I need to be replenished.
Posted on August 1, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.