the Battle: ego vs. humility
The terrible inner struggle I’ve been having lately is taking away my appetite, paralyzing me from day to day, depressing and oppressing me, taking away any motivation or inspiration I have, making me look upon myself with disappointment…
The mornings, at the moment I wake up, and evenings getting to sleep are usually the most difficult moments, because my senses are raw…fears kick in as soon as I am conscious enough to hear them in the morning, and loneliness lays on top of me like a 350lb animal last thing in the evening.
I think that almost every negative feeling and thought I have is my ego playing mean games with me. In the morning it is telling me how much of a failure I am, how much work I have to do, how useless I am, how much other people are making my life difficult and sad. And in the evening, my ego is telling me how much of a jerk my ex is, telling me I should have just given in to his alcoholic accusations, demands, arguments, lies…Telling me to call him and say I’m sorry. Telling me I am a lonely loser. Telling me I am supposed to be alone.
And when I lay there in bed through these moments, trying to ‘communicate with God’ ‘get closer’ ‘let go’ so that I don’t vomit, I find I feel very empty. It is confusing. Because I thought only my ego was working on me feeling empty. But trying to give it over to God I can feel like I am in a huge empty room, so empty I can hear the air move.
I think the emptiness comes from not having walked many paths with my higher power. So, even if I shed my ego for just a few moments, and I find that clear place, I am taken aback. I feel vulnerable and out of practice ‘living’ in that place. My ego stands off to the side and shoots snide comments from the back of my mind, making fun of me for standing there like a dope instead of getting up and ‘living’… I do not know (or remember?) how to live close to what I understand is God yet. I thought I was just failing at handing my life over, but it occurs to me after the last few days and after tonight’s meeting that may not entirely be the problem. I hand my life over and then I feel ‘unqualified’, unworthy, and like I am in such a foreign, unintelligible, disorienting, so-pleasant-I-am-terrified place that I just stand there. Unable to budge, clueless. Blowing that chance moment.
I feel the calmness for moments – thank God 😉 – but I have no idea what to do with it so my ego races right back in like an antagonistic little prick, telling me ‘I told you so! hehehe’. And then starts in on its self-absorbed, self-pitying rant…
Rather than feel like I am going to sink any day now… Thinking that I am just NOT getting there…Maybe I should just give it more time. Maybe I will think of a step to take, a direction to turn in. Maybe I will find the courage to be something that God needs me to be in the moment. Maybe I should ask for more help.
At least I think I am starting to recognize the difference between my ego’s voice, and the serenity of surrender… But I feel like I am learning to walk all over again.
Gratitude for a very wonderful open AA meeting tonight. The topic was humility. I have been searching and chasing my humility like a crazy person for the last week and a half especially, and ‘humility and ego’ were the topics tonight. Lucky me 🙂
Posted on July 29, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.