My Therapist Says:
“It sounds like you need acknowledgment for…and you are not going to get it there.”
The first part of that comment gets a visceral reaction from me, as I listen to her say the words… I am talking about the chaos in my mind and between me and my ex- and she has said this at two very prominent times. When I hear it and want to ask, “AND…..!?!?!” as though there is something further for me to know… “It sounds like you need acknowledgment…” feels like an incomplete sentence to me. Maybe as though the acknowledgment should be right there at the end of the comment… I wanted to say, “Yeah, SO?!?!?!” I sit there with baited breath, waiting
Yeah, if I don’t get it from him where do I get it (I am obliterated by the feeling I get from hearing myself ask this question… But I really am asking it… I don’t want to but I am. Really, it is his and my situation. And he is the one I was investing in. He is the one I was giving everything to. And for some reason I hold out waiting for him to acknowledge, recognize and reciprocate. He is like a mirage though. He knows how to keep me there waiting for it. He knows how to string me along, like he has a treat at the end of a string and I am chasing it along providing fun, play and cuddles like a foolish little kitten.
Not understanding how my own mind works, what acrobatics my own emotions are doing. What mystery is there?!?! Am I really confused by my ex’s preposterous behavior? Or by my own preposterous reactions to or interactions with it…?!?!
Acknowledgment… It is supposed to come from me, right? That’s the answer, right?! [she asks sarcastically…screams, growls, and screeches angrily inside…]
Yeah, f-you (whoever I’m talking to I don’t know…). Cruel f-ing lesson. Why do I have to learn this lesson this way….???
I am definitely insane. Back to step 1 again today.
I should really remind myself to go back to step 1 every day…
Posted on July 25, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.