Signs….


A friend of mine, a person I have been spending time with and talking with since we both were in the same ACA stepstudy, talked about seeing ‘signs’ a few weeks ago. I think I believe in that, but when she talked about it I had this immediate feeling that even if signs were appearing throughout my day, I was/am much too absorbed in my business, desperate schedule, dread, and nervous anticipation…constantly, to even notice signs…

Then I head face-first into a brick wall, the ‘sign’ literally attacking me front and centre to get my attention. And I feel the smarting, I feel the headache, the shock, the need to sit down. If you’ve ever walked straight into a telephone pole because you weren’t watching where you were going, then you have a good idea of how I feel.

So, last night, I understand that I was given such a sign. I call into the Alanon phone meetings sometimes. Especially at night when I am so wired that I need to feel human…I need to feel like I am not a foreign creature who is alone feeling and thinking of these exhausting feelings and thoughts.

So, I call in, and I listen to a few shares, and I decide that I don’t think I will get to sleep for hours if I don’t share. I think I am feeling so overwhelmed that I need to give myself the gift of sharing, let myself get it off my chest, give myself the gift of listeners who will hear me, and who will find some value in what I am putting myself through. So, for my first time in Alanon phone meetings, I unmute myself and introduce myself to share. I talked about how I am usually scared to share and just find comfort in listening to others, and then I shared what was on my mind that evening (see post that precedes this one). I was scared, and struggled as I tried to express myself, but heard myself at instances. Heard myself sounding like a girl who wanted to be a woman. An injured being who wanted to be healed. A contributor to the health and well-being of those of us who need to hear others stories to feel loved, love by themselves even.

When I was done I said I was thankful for the meeting, very much. And heard silence.

I looked at my phone, and the ‘hold’ button was pressed….

I looked at the clock and I had been talking for just about 5 minutes.

To Myself…

I felt delirious.

And I felt sick to my stomach. Alone with myself.

I so wanted to hear the voice of the moderator when I came to the end of my share…

For what?

For acknowledgment. To know I exist. To know I am not just a ball of dread and unhappiness. To know I live and breathe and feel and am here for a reason besides to inject an alcoholic or para-alcoholic with assuredness that he/she is not a terrible person…

And where was I? Alone, with myself. Hating that all of that energy and thought I spend is not going to come back to me.

And as I write this…the significance of having talked to myself or 5 whole minutes knocks on the semi-locked iron doors of my mis-directed will. I had to face (with nausea) the fact that I TALKED TO MYSELF for 5 whole minutes. Face that I presume that talking to myself is embarrasing, humiliating, useless, foolish… Like, really. Where is TALKING TO MYSELF going to get me?! I can’t do anything for myself. I’m the one who got myself here in this painful place in the first place… I was sooooo disappointed.

The sign?! A difficult one for me to ‘see’. Because I do not think much of my ability to care for myself. But how ironic that all I have been reading about and learning about in the past year has to do with self-love, self-care, re-parenting, listening to my feelings, learning to focus on what I need and want… What an absolutely brazen sign. I want to cry

p.s. Dharmagoddess, what a coincidence…your comment… “hearing my own voice was enough”…”Progress […] depended on ME”… I am terribly thankful for the powerful ‘signs’, including yours, last night. Thankful and devastated about how terribly much I have tried to live with myself and ignore myself at the same time. Thankful that the signs are still coming. That the world is still trying to get through to me. Thankful that I am being given the ability to ‘see’…

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on July 16, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, dark daze, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I’m glad something I said had value. It’s comforting to find things like that, even if I cannot appreciate them at the time.

    I got to the point of deciding that I had grieved all that I could grieve, at that time. Wasn’t that long ago actually. There will be more and to think there won’t be is a terrible form of self-deception that I am too fragile to withstand.

    Somehow, there was a switch that flipped in my brain that allowed me to embrace the turning point. Once I pivoted, I no longer saw any value in feeling bad about what I’d done to myself and to others. This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t sorry or remorseful, this means that I could see the whole thing as a lesson that kept coming back until I was ready to learn from it. There’s a big difference from learning and wallowing and my self-hatred that follows wallowing is useless and destructive. I simply don’t have the strength, which is probably the only way I could have been open to learning anything. At this point, I feel relief and joy, tinged with a wee bit of grief. It’s all as it’s supposed to be.

    Good for you! Good for us! šŸ™‚

    ā¤ D

  2. We all talk to ourselves all the time – it is called “thinking”. No difference if we utter it out loud or right it into a blog.

  3. Shantelle, I just found a comment from you on one of my blogs about reparenting. My main blog is kathyberman.com and is about my reocery since 11/24/1976. I would like to invite you to check out my FB page-Emotional Sobriety which I add 4-5 posts a day and include ACA quote. You have a good blog here. Keep up the good work.

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