Things I Try to Ignore (Beating on the 3ft thick iron door of denial)

I go to the office to write without a plan; I work without a specific list of the things I have to do on a particular chapter, or within a particular time period. I spin my wheels. So I work without outcome, without anything to show for it. I just keep working as though I have forever to finish and ‘someone’ will tell me when I am…

When I visit my brother and his family in NS I do not enjoy sitting with him and his wife after the kids go to bed and watching tv. I don’t enjoy ‘gossiping’ about tv shows, or other people and their families. I don’t feel like eating sugar right before I go to sleep. But I kind of do some or all of those things just to ‘be’ with them, to participate in their lives because I am otherwise so far away. I always feel less happy when I do participate somehow though…

I have very little focus on myself and my needs and wants from moment to moment each day. When I eat and exercise and work I most often am ‘going through the motions’. I do not feel ‘present’. I am disconcerted by that because I waste hours and days and weeks and months, and years… I am afraid to ‘be’ in my own skin, because I am afraid. I am afraid. I feel vulnerable. I feel like I will not be able to protect myself from unhappy destructive oblivious people…

I am hiding in my life.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on July 11, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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