The Deal I’ve Learned to Strike… This Deal has expired but I didn’t know it…

I sat with my therapist today and wanted to somehow just be a feeling, experiencing, human person, instead of putting so much pressure on myself to, like, ‘earn’ the therapy I am getting. I wanted to go and not ‘perform’ or ‘be a good patient’, or come out of there with a ‘token’ realization or ‘lesson’ I’d learned. I wanted to treat the session as my session, I wanted to be the lost, sad, in-denial, vulnerable, mistake making 40-year old that I am. That was difficult. And emotional. But I came out a little less heavy that I had every before. I cried in there, and I tried to own the despair that I have. So that I could see who I really am. So that I could begin to grow a new woman…

What happened was that I could say more, more of what I was afraid of saying, the things that I was thinking but was afraid to express… I could listen better… I could hear my therapist saying what she understood about what I was saying. And the most striking thing that appeared clearer to me was the deal I have been striking with myself forever. The pattern I have learned to live in that I have watched but that I have not been able to ‘touch’ or budge or shift or see outside of…

I function according to a contract…that is in my head. I learned to live according to a contract wherein my existence, my expressions, my likes and dislikes, my feelings…all cost. I understand that I owe for every consideration I receive. Even every consideration that someone claims I receive regardless if I experienced the receipt or not. And I my therapist said something that really floored me. She said that, now that my mother is far away, and I am not obligated to talk to her, or I have the choice not to…I have to let someone else be the place where I pay for my existence. That is G. I feel like I live and breathe and smile and yawn and enjoy sunshine at a cost. And he is the piper I pay…for the most personal ‘perks’ anyway. I pay others for everyday things. But I have myself paying a cost for things that are actually free… Having fun when I was a kid was free, not sinful. Having a say was free, not obstinate. I am free to work as long as I want… I am free to be as angry as I want for as long as I want. I am free to cry for days if I like. I don’t have to pay anyone back with an explanation, or embarrassment… I am free to tune out and I don’t have to pay someone back with extra hugs or attention when I am done…

About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on June 21, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Oh my goodness Shantelle! I’m so amazed at this post. I had never thought of the whole thing that way but it is an amazingly accurate description from my perspective. Well done. Applause! Gratitude!

    I left my session yesterday feeling similar to what you recounted above. Everything has just trickled out since then. Can’t stop it any longer. I also felt a little lighter but you know what they say: you can’t un-ring a bell. Intelligent people who are problem-solvers aren’t used to having things that cannot be [easily] solved. I’ve had to set my intellect to the side, especially after my therapist looked at me (yesterday) and said “Oh my god, you are so intelligent. And that’s part of your problem.”

    Uh, what? /laughing!

    Yeah, I know what she meant. Somebody had to say it out loud.

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts.


    • Thank you Dharma. How absolutely peaceful a feeling to know that you experience such a thing and that we can share that in hopefulness ๐Ÿ™‚
      I am trying to let it sink in that as a human being I am fragile and vulnerable and that that those are miraculous and admirable things. I’m fighting the conditioning (cruel voices) constantly that do not allow me to face my gentle humanity and that being hurt IS.
      I wish you joy and feelings of inner beauty today ๐Ÿ™‚

      • You make a great point about fragility and I think I only realized this after pounding away at the literature over this past weekend. The point that resonated with me was that C-PTSD/PTSD folks need to live a “gentle life” due to the damage of trauma. Ah ha! That certainly explains a lot and, moreover, makes a lot of sense.

        Thank you and I hope you have a Wonderful Shantelle day! ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Thanks again for your comment and for following me, Dharma! I appreciate understanding that before we ever experience any trauma or come to know ourselves as having ptsd or any such thing that we are already fragile beings and need to care for ourselves and others with that in mind… It is so much more difficult to learn to love ourselves in a gentle way after learning that we should accept less.

      • Good morning Shantelle!

        Gentleness has become a glaring necessity for me because the more I’ve resisted it, the more I hurt myself in ways that aren’t exactly obvious. Those self-hurts manifest themselves in one way or another and it’s clear that I create additional problems if I don’t just accept myself for who I am, what I am, and pay homage to what I need.

        The concept of what I need became an ugly selfish thing somewhere along the way and I recognize the counter efforts better than I used to but there’s still a great deal of work to be done. It takes a lot of courage to override that programming.

        I remain determined.



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