I am back to Gloom. I was facing forward but walking backwards. Still in denial, even though, I realized, I was able to get up in the morning, I was looking forward to my day, my forarms had stopped falling asleep because I had been taking such good care of them. I could sit at the office and work for hours and not hate it and not think about how far I had to go. I was thinking about how far I was coming every day. But yesterday work felt icky again. Yesterday I didn’t give myself anything to look forward to except the unrealistic expectation that my alcoholic would put us first. That is where I have gone wrong. That expectation is driven by this feeling that I am obligated to believe the liar, the person who lies to themselves, but says they love me. I am driven by the baseless obligation to be loyal to someone based on THEIR CLAIMS – and nothing else – that they are ok, that they care about me, that they are doing things ‘right’. I hear this mistake, I feel this mistake…and I feel the trigger feeling, I feel that hook in me that has no rationale and that I am subdued by anyway. What is it that I don’t have in me that would allow me to be unhook-able, impenetrable… The hook feels like if its not stuck in my side, piercing through my flesh, that I will hurt that other person that much. If i’m not hooked, if i dont fall for it, i think that freedom, my relief, and my happiness means that person’s excruciating pain. That is what keeps me here. How cruel a life I have learned. If I save myself I will kill the other person inside…

What are the magic words that will break this spell I’m under? What is the one action or idea or proof I need… Miracles were the Topic of the meeting I went to last night. Miracles are not BIG, loud, events that are on the news. Miracles are small things that make a big difference. I need a miracle today. I need a difference, a change, a new perspective on love. On loving others and on loving myself.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 31, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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