Please Believe


Please tell me that I don’t have to crash before I realize that I can’t blame anyone but myself for not taking care of myself and my business.

Why is that such a high wall to scale and propel myself over… Why?!

God, please don’t let me lose everything before I see that no one else can care about my life more than I can.

That is the straw right now, that will save or break the Camel’s back. Can I care about my life right NOW? Can I accept that others, especially the addicts and sociopaths in my life do not and CAN NOT care about my life and success and happiness as much as I can? Why is my own caring so secondary to me? Why do I feel their caring about me is the deciding overwhelming factor. It is non-sensical but it is like I have no control over my brain and chest. I am like a moth to a flame. “Psst”, and then toast. What is it that I need to orient my life around?

Answer: My place in the world according to my higher power.

Seems so simple… Which is maybe why I don’t believe it.

Higher power, please show me my necessity in the world today. Please show me that my emotional sobriety is needed over my pacifying drunkards and sociopaths…and pacifying myself.

Imagine I am not invisible anymore. My hurt hurts the world. My happiness makes the world a better place.

Thank you in advance for your help.
Love,
KShantelle

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on April 30, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. I love this. Good luck to you. Check out my stuff on addiction. http://www.onceanaddict.org

  2. I can so feel how you feel. Self-defeating tendency. Please don’t give in to it. Forget about what makes the world a better place. You are important, you, personally. Your happiness is important.

    Just a thought: like we walk away from our abusers – as we should – we should also walk away from that part of us that creates an obstacle from our happiness. I know it is easer said than done. Yet, I am trying the same, too …

    • Yes, I am sitting here with myself listening to me talk myself out of my own confidence and self-worth, talking myself out of seeing it, acting like I have it…talking myself out of going to get it. Leaving the protective hypervigilant (self destructive/sabotaging) part of me behind scares the crap out of my pride, and my fear, ironically. I feel my body freak out when when I want to do something responsible, self-confident, mature, and empowering. I feel like I am going to be alone, that I won’t be able to depend on anyone. But ironically, here I am, in my present situation, feeling alone and like I can’t depend on anyone. The mind can really play tricks… Leaving my fears and bad habits behind, but taking myself with me… I guess I don’t yet know what ‘my self’ is without the despair and fear. That is maybe why I am afraid to be alone. Alone without my friends that i depend on right now: ‘despair’,anger, sadness, fear, resentment, isolation… What am I without them? A blank slate. Empty. Then what tools do I use to get through my work day? My social day?
      Oh, yeah…my Higher Power.
      Slowly I will come to understand it. I hope I will live it soon.
      Couldn’t stop writing…

  3. No, we don’t have the kind of self as the only help we can rely on. That’s a myth, and a dangerous one. It is equally dangerous to believe that we should always rely on someone else.
    The truth is between the two extremes.

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