Insights After Time Away
These aren’t necessarily new. I am reminded of them, and the messages are sometimes more salient and logical than others.
1) I don’t do what I need to do because I am busy following my denial patterns and I am afraid to break them. I am afraid to break them because it feels so lonely and uncomfortable without the patterns and people I am used to. Like how alcoholics describe feeling without drinking. Irritable, discontent, not comfortable in my skin. Like i can see on my qualifier’s face when he is itching for a beer and its gotten past ‘itch’ to ‘blame everyone in your path for every little piece of pain you are feeling in this moment’. Scared of stability because we haven’t been able to trust it. Makes more sense to stay in a state of perpetual instability and unpredictability.
I feel, life would be much more simple and get along much better if I just made the decision. But the decision, in its simplicity, is a conundrum. No decisions have ever been easy. They have always been wrought with discontent. Especially those having to do with simply regarding how I feel and acting precisely in response to that.
The statement made by reacting according to my feelings is one of the sharp edge of a knife. Things are definitely decided after that… That person you have decided loves you for who you are all of a sudden…knows who you are. And you have to face it too. And you have to face the half-truth or lie you allowed them to think and act upon.
Why do we live a lie and feel so comfortable in it…when we never gliders secure in it?
Why do we feel that person’s imagination is the end-all be-all?
I am no longer staring what I thought was death in the face. Why does it feel like I’ll die if I live truthfully. How can I feel that way and at the same time know that I can’t live without my truth anymore?
2) recognizing my feelings in the moment, paying attention to them, and then acting accordingly… When I think about actually doing all of this things in any particular moment it’s like thinking about going on an amusement park ride that is definitely going to scare the living molecular-level $&#% out of me. And I can put that off 😉
At the same time, I cannot for the life of me tear my obsessive thoughts away from taking that ride, how to prepare for it, what ‘rational’ thought has to even fleetingly pass through my mind in order to step up to the front of the line and then buckle myself in… The fear expresses itself as quintessential fear and giddiness akin to what I have felt at enjoying to most beautiful destination in the southern Pacific Ocean…