Cut Back on the Punishment


Gratitude to my therapist today. Only good things come from putting oneself in the way of help.

I arrived in her office today and a bunch of rich and intense things streamed out of my mouth about how I continue to make decisions that keep me in a continued state of discomfort, fear, anxiety… I cannot seem to say ‘no’ (or ‘yes’ depending on the case) for one simple reason: ME. I can’t yet seem to gear into caring for my own feelings enough…

So, I went on and on about how difficult it is to make the right decisions and then about how I loath and punish myself on top of that.

She eventually stopped me and said that all I seem to do is work. ‘Work’. Work on work, work on school, work on home and work on me. I really am not treating my life and my recovery as though it is a process. I am not having any patience with myself at all… And I have such high standards, and in so many words, no allowance for my own humanity; emotion and learning and feeling processes, growing, realizing, changing neural pathways. I am a real militant gal towards my own self.

It was more emotional for me to hear her say it than it has been for me to ‘know’ those things.

So, I felt some peace given the permission, so-to-speak, to let myself be human. And I felt myself back down a bit. I felt some compassion for a few moments and I think in those moments I also prayed for the compassion to stay with me.

Gratitude for others lending me their attitudes of compassion…

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on March 28, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Your therapist was wise in her thoughts. I was the same, and sometimes am the same too – working on this, working on that. I had to learn to let go and trust the process. Difficult at first. But it’s through the process that the real healing happens, and it’s difficult because I can’t control it or rush it or anything like that. It’s not my time, it’s my Higher Power’s time. But we get there.

    Gratitude to you for sharing this 🙂

    Paul

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