So Tired, So Awake


It’s been a few nights now that I’ve been albsolutely exhausted but lay in bed until late late not being able to fall asleep. I attempt, every once in a while to identify the feeling that is giving me such tension in my head and my chest. One way to describe is that startling feeling that I’ve gotten hearing a screen door slam. But the feeling doesn’t last an instant, like the slam, it lasts hours. And it’s a terrified feeling. As though whoever walked through the door is scary for some reason. Easy. To guess who it might be. ( mom or dad/john).

But the feeling comes when I hear from my ex. And I can’t often shake it if I’m alone.

I wish I could stare the feeling down, and figuratively walk past…Like staring down and then not engaging a stranger who you know is nothing but trouble. That is difficult. I want to run away from it, or suppress and pretend my strength smothers the fear like a fire. But it’s still there, buried,literally packed, stuffed tight into my gut until my guard is down the next time.

The tensionis unbearable, so I don’t know how I’m bearing it…

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on March 21, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Sorry to hear how this feeling is trapped in you, eating you up, anchoring itself in you. I recognize this in myself, and while it didn’t come at the heels of possibly seeing someone else, it usually came from within – *I* was that scary person. My alcoholism was the tyrant which ran my life. I know that the tension and anxiety and pain you describe so vividly tore me up inside, and manifested in so many ways – anger, resentment, fear, pain, etc. It was too much to bear, and hence I drank.

    I hope you are feeling better, and finding ways to express that deep feeling in some way.

    Blessings,
    Paul

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