So Tired, So Awake
It’s been a few nights now that I’ve been albsolutely exhausted but lay in bed until late late not being able to fall asleep. I attempt, every once in a while to identify the feeling that is giving me such tension in my head and my chest. One way to describe is that startling feeling that I’ve gotten hearing a screen door slam. But the feeling doesn’t last an instant, like the slam, it lasts hours. And it’s a terrified feeling. As though whoever walked through the door is scary for some reason. Easy. To guess who it might be. ( mom or dad/john).
But the feeling comes when I hear from my ex. And I can’t often shake it if I’m alone.
I wish I could stare the feeling down, and figuratively walk past…Like staring down and then not engaging a stranger who you know is nothing but trouble. That is difficult. I want to run away from it, or suppress and pretend my strength smothers the fear like a fire. But it’s still there, buried,literally packed, stuffed tight into my gut until my guard is down the next time.
The tensionis unbearable, so I don’t know how I’m bearing it…