Staying Emotionally Sober

AA is a great guide, even for me. I am not an alcoholic. I am addicted to codependent relationships, I am addicted to ‘being there’ for people despite how much I lose in the process. I am addicted to the idea that my presence, my actions, my feelings are enough to save someone else, that if I care enough they will make better decisions, care about me more, be happier, take care of themselves, feel no more pain or burden…

All of that to me is like the biggest and most evil self-indulgence, like the biggest chocolate sundae…the smoothest and richest cheesecake…

When I am in that frame of mind, which is a lot of the time, I have little balance and orientation in my day. Like today, for instance, I had planned to go to the office first thing because I wanted to start the day off with some good writing time on my thesis, but I did everything but that – I cooked, I cleaned, I sorted, organized – all because I am waiting for my ex to do what I want him to do… Make the change and call me to tell me he has and that we can finally plan a future together…

This waiting for someone to do something really plays havoc with my life. I do so little of what I need to to take care of myself and my life…but I am terrified to take my eye of that other person or those other people for long enough to think about those things and then do something about them.

That is why I feel I really need I go to a meeting tonight… Every time I act on my codependent thoughts I cannot say that I am emotionally sober. Emotional sobriety feels so barren and lonely and awkward and boring and selfish, but at moments also like I can breathe, like my chest is not in a vice.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on March 14, 2013, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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