Can Of Worms. A Bottomless One…!?

I decided to take this step. To begin looking at the steps. I was honestly thinking that the painful part, the opening of the can of worms, was going to be a relatively short-lived stage. My can of worms, however, is deep.

I wish I could dig, like with a huge commercial grade machine and get right to the bottom in one foul swoop. I don’t care how gross and disgusting it feels. How dirty i get…. Can we just get it over with quickly?!? For F’s sake!!! By the time I finish this exercise my gut is going to be a washboard of steel. I don’t need that, do I? Do I really need to dig into this can with a baby spoon?? At the pace of a kid without the motor skills to do so? Really!?? Come on. Wading through my own shit is really, really…disconcerting. I just want to throw myself into a vat of molasses so that I actually have an excuse for crawling through this at the speed of a nit. Grrrrrrr. Rrrraaaaawwwwwrrr!

Caring for my own self is an excruciating lesson to learn. Why does caring for my self feel so frustratingly staid. I am like a restless delirious two-year old running full tilt only to be hauled to a stop by the silly little harness wrapped around my chest. Is this the process of growing up? Is this the that??

I really need a mind altering substance to ease this restless irritability that is going to drive me insane…

You wanna know what’s in my Can Of Worms??
– I lie, I pretend, I act, I avoid, I suppress, I ‘stuff’, I judge, I resent, I fear, I hate, I cry (only on the inside), I obsess, I suffer, I run away, I put my head up against a (you know, one of those things that you can sharpen an axe or a scythe against – figuratively speaking of course), I feel sorry for myself, I cower, I curl up and rot alone, I deprive myself, I starve myself, I don’t grieve, I don’t admit my guilt, I torture myself, I pretend some more, I procrastinate, I punish myself some more, I don’t trust my self, I talk myself out of having fun, I isolate myself, I look for sympathy, I expect from others the impossibilities that I expect from myself, I intimidate, I fool, I give and make people feel uncomfortable, I watch myself suffer and don’t respond or help, I get my back up, I refuse to be soft and accepting of my reality…who I am. I let the cruel voices and habits rule.

But when I was young…I knew. I knew I needed a safe place. I knew my mother was being an inadequate caregiver, I knew I was scared, I knew I needed protection, I knew I didn’t do anything to deserve abandonment. I knew I didn’t hurt people, I knew I was angry, I knew I was ignored, I knew my mother was trying to convince me of lies, I knew John was a jerk, I knew I was vulnerable, I knew my innocence was violated, abused and stolen, I knew people were self-absorbed, I knew I was being hurt, I knew my mother should have known better, I know John should have known better. I knew I shouldn’t have had to run through the woods in the middle of the night, I knew I shouldn’t have been that scared, I knew I didn’t want to agree with them, I knew I didn’t want to pretend I was ok. I knew they were cruel to not be interested in how I was doing.

Do I know now?

I feel like it’s taking me a while to face what I really am, what I really feel, how angry and violated I really feel. Because if I face what I really feel I think I will lose something…everything? Things will have to change. I will have to change. I will really have to plug on to life, into the world. I think I have to be afraid of that because plugging in right now means I get completely drained. I plug into the wrong outlets. I don’t know the good ones to plug into. That’s why I feel so drained right now, and have for years!!!! Oh…my…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on March 1, 2013, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, dark daze, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Meditation, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. This is so powerful writing. I hate to repeat myself but I need to say it again, I so often I feel the same way. I keep pushing people away, and whenever they still come to me and stay, I shed the tears of gratitude.

  2. Thank you so much for posting this. As for me, the ‘can’ seems to be bottomless, too.
    I wish I could offer more ‘consolation’ …

    • Than you for the acknowledgment :-). This whole ‘process’ is really a lesson in…being present every day. Im painfully learning not to live in the results of my step work etc…only in what is important at this very moment…

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