Things To Help Myself With
1) I am afraid of my day: when I wake up in the morning I don’t want to get out of bed because my life is unmanageable. “Life is unmanageable” means: I am powerless. I can not change the circumstances that I have gotten myself into as a result of my codependent and trauma-related behavior. I cannot make anyone be more caring or concerned. I cannot change how I behave overnight. I have more on my plate than I can comfortably manage. I am afraid to make a couple of difficult choices. I have always been afraid to make choices that I think will leave other people feeling that I don’t care about them. My days are uanageable.
2) I have a list of things to do and I Hate the list. I make a list in order to try and me organized and responsible. But I have a voice inside that is pressuring me to do the things on the list in order, completely, and all immediatel. So I feel guilty and under pressure constantly because I am not and can not do EVERYTHING, right now, as completely and quickly as the voice inside is demanding. This voice is, my mother, who expresses disappointment if I am not dependable and all-willing and able, my supervisor who expects me to be super intelligent, original…and John (‘Dad’), who expects me not to complain or display weakness.
3) I don’t know how to have fun, enjoy myself. I need desperately to have fun and let go in some activity on a regular basis but I brace myself so much all the time that I find it difficult to do things and really let go of the ‘have-to’ feeling for a little while. I feel guilty about having fun.
4) I don’t have time to socialize because i need to write my thesis. But I am not socializing enough to be able to concentrate on work. I need to write my thesis and spend all of my time doing that but I can’t seem to do that without some healthy socialization. I don’t know how to manage this ‘I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t’ situation.
5) I don’t know what makes me happy. I only am beginning to learn what makes me sad. If I do think about what makes me happy I don’t think to make those things a priority because of the pressure I feel to do work. And because of the pressure I feel to be supportive by lowering my standard of living in a moment, or declaring that low standard.