I feel like a bit of a slug right now.
I am stagnating. I am really looking at myself with disappointment because I am following the same patterns, the same self-sabotaging patterns. I have anger at the idea of doing things the right way. The way that will work. I resent the possible healthy, healthful, caring way. Like I don’t believe it. Like it’s going to screw me somehow.
But if I don’t make this shift I’m going to collapse in my work in my recovery, in my life… I just won’t listen to myself. Or maybe it’s that I just won’t pay attention to the signs and listen for my higher power…
I need to ‘parent’ myself… and I am afraid to. Have to go to class now, but will come back and try and take a little inventory in a bit…
I think the bottom line is that I often find it excruciating to pay attention to what is going on with me. Even though I am overflowing with discomfort because I am experiencing something negatively, I really have an almost impossible time sitting with those things, paying attention to what is going on, and then acting appropriately. For example,
Most mornings these days I experience the opposite of motivation to get out of bed. I feel like I am going to feel worse if I get up than if I stay in bed and do nothing. It is a dread. It is like I fear, hate, dread what is outside my bedroom door. This morning as I laid here, I remembered that I used to experience the same thing when I was young, living at home…When I was REALLY young, like 5, I used to lay in bed and just listen for my father’s footsteps upstairs. I would listen for the tone of his and my mother’s voices, and the heaviness of his footsteps on the floor, trying to gauge what kind of mood(s) I was going to meet when I went upstairs. I would sometimes wait so long…until I heard my father call me up. What 5-year-old doesn’t run up in the morning to see their parents and get all excited about their day. When I was older, and it was just my mother and my brother and I, I would wait in bed in the morning dreading my mother telling me what to do and coming into my room and waking me with a start, and rushing around like her getting ready for work was the most important thing and we all just had to help her and move out of the way. It was so lonely. These days I am experiencing these feelings, but I live alone. Is it the loneliness triggering them? Is it the going through the steps? Is it having contact with my ex, who is also emotionally high-maintenance? Maybe all of the above.
So, how do I snap out of this. What to do in order to wake up and not go through the same traumatic emotional muscle memory every day? Or even most days. I have been trying to imagine what it is I have to realize in order to escape the knee-jerk reaction of feeling like I have a 300lb weight on me in the morning… What do I need to affirm to myself? What do I need to pray? How do I need to meditate. The sensation is so strong. And I seem to have this compelling feeling to hide behind it as well…
“I deserve a peaceful and cheerful morning”?
“My day starts with my excitement to live, play, and be there for those I can”?
“I love to start my day taking care of myself, my body – exercise it, feed it, and nurture it, my mind – encourage it and say gentle loving things”?
“There are no monsters outside my bedroom door – nurture and energy and love await me”?
“No one will look at you and forget you at the same time today”?
“You deserve to make your morning your own”?
“You deserve to prepare yourself for your day. You don’t have to go to school without having prepared and nurtured your body with exercise and nutrition, and a comforting bath. YOu are important enough that you do not have to rush”?
“It is not more important to get someone else ready for their day before getting yourself ready, you are the only person you have to worry about first. You can give yourself the time you need”?
“You need time to take your time, and you are allowed to take it. Your higher power wants to you to have all the time you need. YOu feel loved and worthy of taking the time you need to gently wake yourself up, to gently exercise and care for your body, and to calmly get yourself prepared to teach today”?
Ok, there. I’m working on it.