Quiet and Pretending on the ‘Easy’ Days
I’ve noticed I have haven’t been posting as regularly in the last couple of weeks. I’ve also noticed that I post more regularly when I am feeling desperate. When I want to reach out to no one and nothing but my higher power, or at least practice that. To be honest with myself, though… I have not been posting, yes, because I have not been have as emotionally desperate moments as of late, but also because some codependent behavior has been shoving this writing out of the way.
– I have been ‘being there’ for my ex. [yes, I am trying to be brutally honest with myself…if I write it down my denial and shame will be right there in front of me]. Being there for my ex means that…in true codependent and addictive fashion I feel a little better about myself, because I am doing a lot more to help myself than he is himself and I get some silly exploitative satisfaction out of that. I think I am also using the situation, however, to practice my boundary setting… But yes, spending any time with him means that certainly things fall completely out of my day; the amount of exercise I want to do, the meditation when and how I want to do it, the contact with certain friends and family, spending money I don’t have, not cooking for myself and making good food for my busy work days…
So, I thought, for the moment I wanted to try and write a little about my day, even though I am feeling relatively calm. I think that is denial. So, I am writing through my denial. The funny thing is, often when I do that, I can’t think of much to write about…how fitting is that. Denial makes my so elusive and secretive towards my own self. I am rationalizing so much (not getting up early, not going to the office, not working on my thesis first thing, not doing the list of things I made last night…), I am focusing on someone else… I am waiting. Waiting deserves a whole entry, so I’m going to end this one and do that.
But before I go, I must write a little more about my rationalization. I feel a little scatter-brained today – certainly my denial reaction to wanting to be honest with myself. But some of the things I notice with myself and my ex… I am trying to take care of myself, he is trying to ‘survive’ his days. He is resistant to suggestions to do things together (walking in the park…pff) because it might be less comfortable than sitting on the sofa and watching tv, or going for a beer (3 or 4) with a gross neighbor. I feel a cracking sensation in my body, mind, core, when I ask if he’d like to do something like that with me because he always comes back with an answer in a way that he finds the question irritating, inconvenient, annoying, insulting (because I should know that he does not want to do ‘anything’). His reaction or answer is like a hammer blow to by body almost every single time. I want to open and act and enjoy and explore and work and play…and he wants to ‘stuff’.