I started this blog so that I would have a place to let things out. Whenever I wanted. I wanted to try to be really true to myself. I have felt a lot of heaviness…burden with knowing that I avoid my own truth and have done so for as long as i remember. It is a debilitating thought, being really honest with myself. I think that is what begins to trigger panic in me…facing what I have REALLY done, and the REAL reasons I have done those things.
I don’t yet know myself but I have been doing many things to get me there. The fact that I still exercise my denial on a daily basis is difficult to face. I feel a though I need some kind of cleanse that will help me start over. Everyday I suffer the reality, however that what I have done and the stories I have told myself will not just disappear, even if I pray really hard… They are my burden and the only way to be free of them is to face them. And then choose to continue differently.
I have been afraid to write the truth here, on my blog, even though i have kept it anonymous. But that is what I want to do.
I have been lucky enough to discover a space and time in which I can tell the truth.Say my mistakes out loud so that I can hear them and so that they are not causing ripples cracks and bubbles and burning holes in my facade… I want to practice here too. If there is only silence in the background, I will be faced with my own reaction to my reality. Who better to have a reaction and for me to experience it but myself?!
I want to know who I am. And I always want to be better. So I will make my suffering and pain known. I want to know what I want instead…What I can have instead…
1- Lately I have watched a lot of tv in order to avoid thinking about and doing work. And instead of doing things that are truly relaxing like walking in the park or running or going to yoga, or calling a coda friend to talk about how I feel.
2- I have responded to my ex’s calls, had him come over, gone to his place, spent time with him and his kids…and I did those things even though he was drunk or had a buzz on because I ‘think I am doing him a favor’ or something like that. Maybe if I put up with it one more time he will have mercy for me and himself and stop…
Wow, those two things are so incredibly painful to put out there that I feel sick inside. I can’t really think now, feel nauseous… What do those things mean about who I am? If I am really a good person and have the best intentions and want to be honest with myself why do I do these things? I look at myself with disdain and disapproval when I think about this and I want to get past it. What is it thy should be more import to me in order for me to make different decisions? What happiness and comfort and serenity do I have to believe is there is order to take the next step differently?
I’m sure I know the answer and when I forgive myself for these things and others the answer will be there?
Forgive myself…? Have compassion for myself. Be understanding towards myself. Be patient with myself. Pray to my higher power if I can’t.