Prolonged Withdrawal – This just doesn’t feel right…


I haven’t seen G in…4 weeks. And I am still checking my phone I don’t know how many times a day to see if he has called, texted. I moved out of our place…twice; once a year and a half ago… and a second time just over a year ago. The second time after he wouldn’t let me leave and put his hand around my throat… It seems like it was all last week…I am caught in a time warp, or loop or something, and I can not seem to get out. I am still waiting for his call of sweet (crocodile) regret… I am still trying to ‘feel’ what he is doing today, how he is doing… I am still  following so many of the same lifeless patterns of…addiction to emotional abuse… I wish I could tell what my feelings really are. Love…I don’t think so. But is that all I know to be love? OMG That pattern of tolerance and ‘putting up with’ and forgiving and ‘passing off’ and participating in emotional (luckily I hadn’t yet ‘really’ participated in the financial) indebtedness, and accumulating depression and emotional… enmeshedness… denial… pretending… blaming… compensating… Gosh, it is so much of what I got at home, before I left home… The small-minded trappings of a dysfunctional set of generations… Is love emotional indebtedness? Obligation? Striking deals with the devil…? I don’t know what I have left when all of this is gone…

Yet I am waiting for him to call and say those words that he said so many times. The words that I thought he meant. The words that I can not yet believe he doesn’t mean…

Just loving myself is difficult… (I’m guessing easier than it seems though…)

And withdrawal sucks.

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on February 5, 2013, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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