Prolonged Withdrawal – This just doesn’t feel right…

I haven’t seen G in…4 weeks. And I am still checking my phone I don’t know how many times a day to see if he has called, texted. I moved out of our place…twice; once a year and a half ago… and a second time just over a year ago. The second time after he wouldn’t let me leave and put his hand around my throat… It seems like it was all last week…I am caught in a time warp, or loop or something, and I can not seem to get out. I am still waiting for his call of sweet (crocodile) regret… I am still trying to ‘feel’ what he is doing today, how he is doing… I am still  following so many of the same lifeless patterns of…addiction to emotional abuse… I wish I could tell what my feelings really are. Love…I don’t think so. But is that all I know to be love? OMG That pattern of tolerance and ‘putting up with’ and forgiving and ‘passing off’ and participating in emotional (luckily I hadn’t yet ‘really’ participated in the financial) indebtedness, and accumulating depression and emotional… enmeshedness… denial… pretending… blaming… compensating… Gosh, it is so much of what I got at home, before I left home… The small-minded trappings of a dysfunctional set of generations… Is love emotional indebtedness? Obligation? Striking deals with the devil…? I don’t know what I have left when all of this is gone…

Yet I am waiting for him to call and say those words that he said so many times. The words that I thought he meant. The words that I can not yet believe he doesn’t mean…

Just loving myself is difficult… (I’m guessing easier than it seems though…)

And withdrawal sucks.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on February 5, 2013, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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