It’s difficult to catch things in the moment.
I met with a friend for dinner a while ago and I did so well, not feeling fear or anxiety about what he would think of me…about what expectations I had of myself, or that he had of me. (Thank you to my powerful life force for creating me to be so changing and strong.)
I did, however, notice the codependent behavior that remained. It was the act of using the situation as a moment to justify the behaviors I still regret from the past few years…the looking or validation and agreeableness from someone supposedly ‘objective’ (ironically just like I complain that my ex has done…). I could feel the hard feeling in my gut, I could hear my voice…but I couldn’t stop it. I knew the only way to stop it was to stop the conversation, and I acted helpless in that regard.
So, I was just reading some step6 and it is the moment to be willing to let go of that behavior. I had such a pleasant night that night and I want to let go of that chunk of need for approval and justification so that it can end with just as much ease as it started, and so I don’t feel the self-critique afterwards that won’t let me sleep.
I pray, I am willing to let go of that behavior too.
– love, K