There was a time when I was looking forward to just having to focus on my own feelings…and not others. Allowing others control and reactions to their own feelings seemed loving and much better than what I had been doing as a codependent personality…
Mastering paying attention to my own feelings and dealing with those, however…Wow, that is a challenge. I can see how it must get easier. But the habit of being afraid of my own feelings, of fleeing from them, of masking them because of what others might think or say, or how they say my feelings affect them makes focusing on my feelings like a trip into a war zone…
I think exhaustion and exasperation is the only thing that brings me back to try again, after giving up and just suffering my bad habits of denial. Today I am exhausted again, and feeling like I am jumping from floating ice chunk to floating ice chunk as I encounter all of the feelings I have, and try to get away from them…There does not seem to be any solid land for me to jump onto.
If I stop ‘reacting’ to my own experience of my day, I will have no choice but to just face those feelings. Stand, steady myself, balance, on the issue that is screaming at me. Only when I listen to myself, look my feelings straight in the face, don’t avert my gaze, will I be able to trust myself, will I be able to do something about what I am feeling.
This really is a bigger war with myself than with anyone. Because there is no one else to take care of me now – I am 40 – no one else to teach me how to be a healthy person with myself…I have no choice. I really would like to be a peaceful, happy, pleasant person. And this is the only way. Be a good person to myself.
Fear, resentment, anger, frustration…you are ok here, because you have a reason to be here. You don’t have to stay forever though. I want you to be on your way eventually. And that is why I will sit and talk with you for a while. Sit and talk until we have nothing further to talk about and we can hug and say goodbye.